Today has been an emotional rollar coaster for sure. but before I get to the bad stuff one thing I was happy about, Is my cat Jasper is doing better 🙂 I was so worried for her.

.

That and my friend told me she got my letter today. she said it made her day because she had no idea I wrote her. so that's some relief.

.

Anyway, so this morning I had to get up early to take my driver permit test (do to illness I haven't gotten it yet) but When i saw myself in the mirror I broke down crying and since then i've been crying on and off- needless to say I have a major headache.

.

I'm also pissed at myself because I failed the test bye ONE FUCKING POINT. dad said he'd take my next week to try again but I'm so frustrated by that! I was so close, damn it i'm an idiot.

.

I was also supposed to have another appointment today but long story short, it got cancelled so i'm going tomorrow supposedly.

.

I'm just really really struggling with my body image and the darkness with it. It makes me constantly wonder if recovery is worth it, if i'm even ready. or should I go back to my behaviours and get back to 94…or lower.

.

it haunts me every waking moment, and i'm so close to throwing in the towel. i'm more miserable then ever.

.

I keep burning and hitting myself now. and i'm just SO uncomfortable in my body it makes me cry. i DONT' want to continue to eat, or get fat, or deal with this, I just want to be SKINNY.

.

Atleast that's better then fat. I can fade when i'm skinny.

.

I just want to scream and hit something. i'm so OVER this bullshit. please just kill me. I can't do this!

.

everything is swallowing me alive. and I just can't try anymore. I don't want to, i'm tired. but i'm not lucky to go. each time i've tried, i've lived. sadly.

.

Well…that's it I guess. Have a goodnight…. :/