Four days before Christmas my husband said our marriage is over.  I was so distraught that I quit my job.  I literally couldn't function.  I couldn't get through the day as a normal person without crying. 

Well, I literally had the worst Christmas Eve and Christmas that I've ever had in 33 years.  Then we were ok, then he says it again, then we're ok, then he says it again.  Well…guess what…he just said it again about 20 minutes ago.  I probably don't deserve him anyway.  He's too good for me.  Maybe that's why I haven't met any of his family and only a few of his friends in 3 1/2 years.  It must be because he's not proud to be with me.  I don't know why else I haven't met them. 

Oh god, I just feel like I am going to throw up.  I really love and adore him.  He always says,"I want to be with you…I want this to work.  If I really wanted it to be over, I would have left a long time ago"  Then why keep saying it's over if you ACTUALLY want it to work out?  Maybe because you want ME to be the one to leave so you don't feel guilty.  

In general I am very depressed…I don't want to leave the house…I don't want to do ANYTHING at all.  And then I just get sucked down into an even darker place when he says that it's over yet again.  

When he goes downstairs to his office and I ask him to please come upstairs so we can talk, he sighs and says,"Oh god."  He says a lot of mean things when I am only trying to talk to him about something I am concerned about pertaining to our relationship.  He calls me a stupid b**** and other things when we're talking…but when everything's ok, he'll tell me that I am amazing and smart and funny and all of these sweet, nice things.  He says he's amazed at how I turned out considering all that I have been through.  He says that I overcame adversity and that the way I was treated growing up angers him.  I don't know which side of him is the real him.  The nice one or the mean one? 

Since the end of December, things have been awful between us, but the prior 3+ years were blissful.  I just want this strange series of arguments to stop.  It's tearing me up inside. 

I didn't mean to type so much…I guess I just needed to type this out because I feel a lot calmer now.  I'm still extremely sad and confused, but at least I'm not crying anymore.


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