I have been away for a while thinking that I could overcome the depression that has plagued me for months now. Sometimes we must wallow in our sadness and pain so that others don't become wrapped up in trying to keep us sane and in check. I have always felt that it was easier to help others overcome their sadness and depression by being there and knowing that somebody understands what they are going through. For me it's always been harder to confide and express my deep depression and thoughts of why I am still here still functioning and still trying to live a day in life. I have lost much in my personnel world this past year. Losing doesn't mean by death but by the choices they make to stay out of your life. This is hard to take hard to understand and no matter how hard you try it never comes to fruition. Being a depressive your mind goes to so many places that it becomes jumbled and mixed up. To understand is hard you tend blame yourself your actions your words and when that happens that blackness seems to overcome my sense of logic. And I wonder if what I have contributed to my life is worth much. It's hard to understand or to explain how thinking about taking your life would make things so much better. But I'm intelligent enough to know that it is the people I love the friends I care for and the people who have blessed my life that will suffer the most. I cannot do that to them without my conscience taking over and therefore stopping the process. I am sad I am tired and for my life it seems bleak. How does one stay above the thoughts and emotions that control one's life? For those of us who believe and have prayer in our life that too can be questioned. My life has been long I have had happiness sadness I've been lucky and unlucky but I wish with all I have to be able to get rid of this disease that I have been plagued with for all of my life. It seems that I am back now I'm happy that I am within a group that understands the daily life of a depressive.