Today I will find out how long my father has left to live. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, he had surgery to remove it right away, then radio therapy treatments, on and off since then he had been peeing blood, his doctor thought it was just the lining of his bladder which had been damaged by the treatments. Recently, his doctor found something else in his bladder, he was going to get chemo treatments, on the morning of his first treatment, it was put to a halt, they think it may have spread to his bones. He passed a scanner for it, he's getting the results today at 1 pm and I'm a total wreck..

I grew up without a dad, he was there, but he wasn't, he cheated on my mother, treated both of us like crap, he didn't care about me at all. Since the divorce, two years ago, we've grown closer, he's finally realized how important family is and has made a lot of efforts to spend time with me and get to know me, the process has been very therapeutic for me, I call it building good memories, it seems to minimize the impact of the bad memories, when you have good ones to compensate, now I'm terrified, I'm so not ready to lose him, I feel like I just found him. I remember the day he told me he'd come to my wedding, which was a 10 hours drive away for him, with a week's notice, I was so happy that I cried in the car on the way home, he had never done anything for me, nothing like that, it was big, it meant so much to me, I'm so afraid to lose him now, I've been crying almost every day since I found out things are really not looking good. 

He told my mother, last week, that he feels that he is paying for all the bad he has done in his life, in a way, I think that may be true, but if it is, I feel like I have little hope left, I want to think positive, I want to have hope, but I don't know how. I don't know how to cope with this at all, I've been trying to find a way, music used to help cope with everything, it hasn't helped much with this at all..I created a bunch of new songs, but it hasn't made me feel any better.

Despite all the bad that he's done, all the wrongs he's yet to write, i love him a lot, he's my father after all, blood is thicker than water, I've always needed him in my life so much, now he is there, I so do not want to lose him, he's finally turning things around and trying to do the right thing with those who care about him.

It's almost 8:30 am now, I know I should take my medication, to at least help me calm down and wait, I know I have a ton of things to do today, but it'll be hard to get much done, I feel so scared, I can't really explain to anyone just how I feel, I've been trying to explain it to my husband, Gore, but it is hard to understand, part of me feels like I should be angry with him, for all he's done to me, my mother raised me, alone, even though he lived with us, all I got from my father was him screaming at me, growing up. But at the same time, our relationship has evolved so much that I've somehow managed to set the past aside to develop something good, something that has helped me get past all the hurt from the past.

All I can say is that I'm terrified of what may happen today. 


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