I have fucked everything up. I feel as if my life has been a complete waste. That I have and am ruining Chris' life also.
I have hell talking to anyone face to face. I am so ashamed of who I have become and what I have to deal with. I look in the mirror and I see nothing good. Everything has become black.
Struggling with various other destructive thoughs I am overwhelmed. I dont' know where to turn. I don't know who or how to ask for help. Chris ask me what is wrong, all I ever tell him is that I am tired of hurting, I want to be me/normal again, and most often, nothing.
When I do try to talk to Chris, it only seems to irritate him. Or he doesn't know what to tell me. I don't know what to tell myself anymore either.
I am scared of being judged. I have always been judged my entired life. Growing up nothing I did was ever good enough. I was never good enough. It didn't seem to matter what I did, it just wasn't right. The only people who seemed to give me unconditional love were my grandparents and my aunt. My grandparents have both passed. My aunt is sick and having to deal with her own stress and life right now.
I had called several treatment facilities at one point. None of them would help me unless I had attempted to commit suicide and had been hospitalized because of it.
I am tired. Tired of trying, struggling, fighting, trying to breathe, figure things out and trying to keep my head above water.
The pill bottles in the cabinet are becoming more and more tempting as time goes on. A "clean" death. Nothing for anyone else to clean up. I have already left enough of a mess. Just sleep then oblivion. Would I quit hurting then? Would there be nothing or something dreadful? Would I regret what I did to myself? I know I would regret leaving those I love, even though I put them through hell. But they would be better off. They wouldn't have to deal with me any longer.
A person can only tread water for so long. I am ready to drown.