I think about death too much.  Of course, also think of the future too much, so maybe that's why.  Since I was a child people talk about my future, and so naturally I think about it.   And naturally worry about it.  I always thought I'd end up doing/being something I couldn't imagine simply b/c I've never been satisfied with the imaginable options.  Low and behold here I am living the unimaginable, yet it's way worse than I imagined. 

My relatively young life has taken a toll and I continue to struggle with lowering my expectations.  What I once took for granted has become dreadfull.  How can I get that graduate degree without finishing the BA?  How can I get to class if I can't get to the grocery store?  How can I get money if I can't work?  How can I get a book to read if I can't get outta bed?  How can I overcome depression if I can't be active? How can I overcome OCD if I can't overcome depression?  How can I live without envisioning a future?  How can I live out a future if I'm living one day at a time? 

Anyway, my mind is bouncing, so I don't really have a point. 

Yesterday I went out for dinner with my extended family and was wondering what their lives would be without me.  They're very deep Christians, as I used to be for most of my life.  I became sad, almost traumatized by imagining what they'ed be feeling if I were to kill myself.  And my two brothers, two of my best friends, would be destroyed.  My younger brother with OCD may kill himself, and my cousin with scrupulosity would suffer from disabling guilt thinking he should have done more for me.

I used to think that if everybody in the world died except me, I'd continue to live and embrace life… but that was when I was very young.   I realize I'm living simply cause I do not want to cause any more pain for the people I love… but I've lived with this mentality for a long time and it no longer sustains me.  I've searched for a long time to find a personal reason to live, but that entails finding value, something which intrinsically does not exist… though I used to believe the opposite.  But, after studying at Columbia Bible College, teaching Sunday School, being a boys club leader, a Youth leader, attending evangelical schools and then travelling with YWAM as a missionary and even preaching to groups at a fairly young age I have come to conclusions which previously I feared to entertain due to a very real scrupulous worry of hell the eternal lake of muther fucking fire.


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