Im anxious,pissed off an depressed. i just want to go out an get absloutley fucked out of my head.. . some days its worse than others, the weekends are paticurally hard. Fort the last 10 years i have been a PARTY ANIMAL. I used to trip over myself runnin out of work at 5 on a friday to get to the pub. id be at every party there was going an would take whatever drugs were put in front of me and i loved my life.i never missed a session, a party or a rave and its killing me knowing all my mates are out havin a great time an im stuck at home been a sick addict. I mean im not happy now, how could i be,?i have the most boring life in the world, and when i was doing all that stufff i was happy…, so if thats what makes me happy why cant i do it? id love to go to a party with all my mates an get destroyed right now, its all i want. Not necessarially to do heroin but to jyust go on a bender with my mates. I want more than anything to pack all this recovery SHIT in an just go back to what i can only describe as the best time in my life. I know there would be consequences, id loose my take aways in my clinic,and if i stop going there i will get sent to prision cos that is a condition of my probation and bail.it would kill my family and break my friends heart but even knowing that i still want to do it????WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?????????I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS

I miss my old life and i dont know who i am anymore… i so desperatley want to find myself  but what if ther is nothing to find? what if the real me is the one who goes out on sessions, does drugs and really just lives life to the max? what if im searching for someone else that doesnt exist and im putting myself through this pain for fuck all???

It would break my familys heart and kill my mates but i cant just change my life and all my goals? im addicted to my old life and its slowly getting worse not better?

some days i know whats best- but i just dont think i can live with out my drugs.im holding my own hand and re-assuring my self but today im kneeling at my feet and i just cant stand up again without something to help meI feel hollow inside and drugs filled that hole, now i dont have them anymore im just empty.

I torture myself constantley…. i have this bag of gear,  i found it when i was moving house and i decided to keep it, i think to test myself?? i know thats fucked up but i cant get rid of it, Iv neve really told anyone about it – because i know what they would think-that im crazy for keeping it n im putting myself in danger but its days like this when i want to run and stick it all in my arm or smoke it….hell id snort it if  i had to.