My fiance came home from work and suggested I go online to see what kind of Vegas wedding packages were available. I don't want to get maried in Vegas. I thought I'd covered that, but I guess he doesn't really think that was my actual final thought: I DON'T WANT to go to Vegas. Period. Not that I'm worried about getting the big floofy wedding–I've already gotten over it. More than that, I've come to embrace it. Hosting an event stresses me out and I don't want to do it. And it so happens that our budget being so tragically low aids my cause.

Now, after the whole fiasco of him throwing me a "surprise" graduation party WHICH I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM I DID NOT WANT, it proved my anxiety as valid. Nine people showed up–4 of them were his work collegues, two were my friends and the other three were my mom, my sister, and her husband. It was pathetic and stressful and embarassing, and I was already so painfully depressed to begin with–with having just been fired from the only wickedly good-paying job I'd ever had–that I felt on the verge of tears the entire time–but had to act happy becuase I didn't want him to feel bad. Everyone treats you like a success when you get out of college, and that sometimes makes you feel like an even bigger failure.

ANYWAY, back to my point. If we had a traditional wedding, hardly anyone would show up on my side–Fine, whatever. I have a tiny family, with many estranged relatives all over the place who wouldn't cross the street to spit on me if I was in flames. Also, I don't hang out with any of my friends anymore, aside from maybe 2 or 3 that I generically keep in touch with. BUT, I don't care. I know HIS family would come. I know HIS work collegues would show up, and I know HIS best friend would be there–even if mine can't be relied upon.

Still, we just don't have the money, so our only soltion is a destination wedding with some sort of all-inclusive package. We talked about a cruise (which I liked) yet he keeps dragging out this stupid Vegas thing, like he doesn't already know that I have never wanted to go to Vegas in my entire existance and don't plan to. There's just nothing there I'm interrested in.

I could deal with it if it was just the two of us eloping. I've suggested it before but he said "it would be a lonely wedding". My mom and sister said they'd go if we did a cruise, but if they went to Vegas, I'd feel obligated to baby-sit my mom the entire time instead of enjoying the adventure with my new husband. Las Vegas is NOT the kind of setting for my religious mom. I'd hate being there with her. I can already imagine the discomfort of my soon-to-be hubby wanting us to get off on our own and feeling tied to my mom. Not to mention the whole—"um, so what do you guys wanna do now?" aspect of sharing a trip with other people. I don't want to share my honeymoon and to be frank, my mom's not the sharpest tool. I'd feel like I had to keep an eye on her and make sure she's okay. Screw that.

If he wants Vegas, we're eloping on our own. We can throw a party when we get back.