Having a very hard time finding motivation for anything this morning. 🙁 I need to change the water in my fish tank (which is a pain in the butt), start laundry, do some cleaning and take care of feeding the animals and cleaning the bird cages. I know I need to do these things, but I feel overwhelmed just thinking about all of them. I think maybe choosing 1 and focusing on that will help me; everytime I start thinking about something else I'll make myself pay attention only to what I'm doing currently. It will also help me to deal with being completely alone this morning ~ I don't know when Aaron's going to get back because he has training this morning, and Mom went to work. At least THAT part of my stress is gone for right now.
Yesterday I bought one of those clear plastic bin sets to put all Zachary's and my art stuff in. Currently the stuff is all in random empty coffee tins. The mess is almost more than I can handle. I may go back to the store to get another one for some of Zachary's toys in the living room. I'm just so sick of clutter and the mess! How many times have I stepped on legos, tripped over power ranger toys, and stubbed my toes on other toys in the last week? TOO MANY! And this is not a recent thing, I've just finally had enough of it. My husband is completely oblivious to it ~ he could live in a trash heap and not notice as long as there was a t.v. and a place to sit. Grrrrr!
In about another month or less Aaron will be working dayshift ~ he asked me last night if I would be excited that we could take down all the drapes and such that's blocking the sunlight to our room. YES! I will be overjoyed for that, because I'll be able to spend time in our apartment cleaning and straightening up and can nap downstairs because he's at work. I can't wait for that to happen finally. While I'm still a little freaked out about being alone I think I can find a way to keep myself occupied and feeling okay. This morning I'm feeling alright and don't have that edgy panic that threatens to turn into a full-blown panic attack. Aaron and I talked about it last night, my anxiety. He told me that if I couldn't work that was fine because my mental health was more important to him than having me work 2 days a week. But he does want to see me start building a structured day with exercise and cleaning and doing various other things to make me feel more normal. I think structure would help, but my problem is I flake out shortly before it's time to do whatever it is that I'm supposed to do. Like Tuesday; I was supposed to get my hair cut, and even though I love having it done I wasn't certain that I could get dressed and drive up there to do it. I decided I was going and that was the final word on it, so I went and had a good time with it. Like I said in the beginning; it's all a matter of motivation, and I haven't had much of it for awhile now. I'm sleeping my days away because I don't want to deal with it anymore, and when I'm asleep I don't think about all of this stuff.
Right now I'm trying to relax by drinking my coffee on the back porch and watching the animals in the yard. I'm trying to glean some hopefullness from the sunshine and the cool breeze. Very shortly I'm going to go ahead and get started on the fishtank. I'm finallygoing to make that list I've been talking about doing. If I look at things one at a time it won't seem so bad, right?
I wish everybody a day that was better than yesterday. (((HUGS))) and kind thoughts to you!