Well … here goes nothing.  I hope I will someday come to regret these not-so-famous first words but I have very little faith in external help.  My name is Lauren and I am 30 years old.  I am tired of being incorrectly labeled so I will not rattle off the list of diagnoses that have been thrown at me over the years.  Instead I will share my feelings, thoughts and/or experience(s).

I scheduled a 1 hour commitment that began at 9:00am for which I would be compensated $125 for my time.  No, I am not a hooker … I am just resourcesful at finding ways to make extra money.  I woke up at 5:00am to take my medication and start mentally preparing myself to exit my home and enter the real world.  I finally dragged myself out of bed at 8:00am and I began getting ready for the day; simultaneously packing suitcases in anticipation of visiting and staying at my Dad’s side in the hospital.  Needless to say, I never made it out the door.

Words cannotdescribe how disappointed in myself I am.  I have never been a pussy thanks to the incessant struggles I faced throughout my life.  I will be eternally grateful for these experiences because without them, I would not have secured the luxuries that I have today.  Now that I am “in the clear”, after making it through the worst parts of my life, my head now decides to manifest this imaginary struggle that others cannot see, touch, feel or understand.  It is real to me though.

I am writing this post in an effort to motivate myself to reach out for help today.  I have been trying for the past 2 years without success but maybe today will be the day.

P.S.  This 300 word count is bullshit and makes me want to already leave the platform.


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