It hasn't been one of my best days, but not one of my worst either. For once I slept through the whole night without waking! It was an amazing feelingto wake up to sun streaming through the windows instead of the blackness of night. I actually slept until almost 10 this morning. Hopefully tonight will be a repeat performance.

We went out geocaching again today and found 3 out of the 4 caches we went to. My son accidentally sat on a cactus (THAT was fun) and I stepped on one. I forgot how much those hurt. That was at the last cache, the one we couldn't find. After that happened we left for home. I have to start remembering to wear sneakers and make Zachary wear sneakers too when wego. I'ma flip-flop kind of girl so I hate wearing shoes.

To be honest, I really didn't want to go today. I've been teary all day and my husband made me cry. He didn't do anything wrong, but he was forcing me to go and it made me really upset and angry. Now that I look back on it I see that he was doing the right thing and was trying to help me ~ but at the time I felt like I was being treated like a child again and it made me furious.

We stopped at a park so Zachary could play. I ended up on the swings and after a few moments I was going so high that it was exhilarating, and I WAS a kid again, loving the wind in my face, the blue sky with little white clouds, the cool sand beneath my feet. For a couple of minutes I forgot all about beingsick with a mental illness and was freed from it. When I stopped I felt good to be alive. Maybe I should start making solo trips to the park just to get on the swings. 🙂

I need to wash my hair tonight. It feels gross. I feel gross. I don't know when the last time I shaved my legs was and washed my hair. I've been showering, I just didn't do any more than wash my body and face. I'm trying to make myself get dressed like I'm going to leave the house, but let's just say that plan isn't working so well. It seems like it's pointless unless I AM going somewhere. I'd much rather stay in my pajamas.

I got some laundry finished, and then there's more to do tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, it will be my son's last day off from school. Tuesday he goes back. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself without him home, and Aaron's short vacation will end tomorrow night as well. I'm going to be alone, and that scares me. I'm not sure I trust myself to be alone yet. I get a little freaked out when there's no one awake with me during the day. I guess I should make a list of things I can do with my free time besides think. That might help me keep busyenough to keep me out of trouble. Besides, Zach gets home at 2:45 p.m. so it's only 5-6 hours thathe's gone. And if I really need someone, Aaron's downstairs sleeping. I tryto avoid that though; he needs his rest.

I guess I should go. I'm happy to say that there weren'tmany suicidal thoughts today. Still wanted to cut but refused to let myself do it. I hate how insistent that desire is ~ but I'm not giving in.

For those of youthat responded to my lastblog ~ I am so grateful for you being there for me in such a bad time. It's sogood to have friends thatunderstand what I'm goingthrough without me havingto explain why. Thank you again for everything.I hope each of you is having agood evening.

(((HUGS))) to thosewho wantone!

  1. tcsoprano 9 years ago

    So glad you were able to sleep, but Ouch about the cactus, hope you both are better from that. there is something about swings that can have that effect, I have always said I will never be too old for swings. I find that blowing bubbles can have the same effect- try it sometime 🙂 I might pick some up with the way I've been feeling lately. Much love to you- try to treat yourself to a nice bath or something calming, you deserve it- I am here if you'd like to talk during those times during the day you will be alone. Hug right back to you – t <3

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  2. rednivar 9 years ago

     I know how you feel  i wake up so sad and feel like i'm sinking but i have no idea why.  I go to sleep feeling like this and wake up the same way.

    I tried pulling a few allnighters just so I could avoid that feeling but it didn't work.  Oh well


     every morning I wake up I'm like "oh crap"….i keep waking up.  I know that feeling of getting so low that u want to do something to yourself….but i seriouly hope you don't.  The world needs you! You are a special person and plus your family loves and need you!

     I wish you the best

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