Thanks all so much for your support these past few days. I've been on this emotional roller coaster…"I love Eric, I don't-just in denial, no I do, I want to marry him, NO I DON'T, you'll loose everything!"
I need to confide in you all here. I'm very much alone in this. I feel like those skanky slutty women who I used to make fun of-the types who would cheat on their bfs/husbands. I feel so disgusting as a person, like some piece of trash who deserves anything but happiness. I'm very close to cheating on my fiance. At first I was pretty certain that it was mainly ROCD…I went to a therapist a few months ago and he was also convinced…I'm developing DEEP emotions for a STUDENT of mine…he's 5 years younger than I am-I teach at a college and I love my job there. I was doing pretty well until I met this guy. I know he has strong feelings for me too. He brings me gifts, talks to me on Facebook, flirts with me any way he can, has tried to invite me for coffee…and I've always said no, but today I went to Comic Con and he was there. I was trying to get a hold of me via text to find out where I was, but I left before he found me. But I WANTED him to find me and I WANTED to spend time with him. I ask myself…why? What would have happened? I'm ENGAGED! We just put down a $2,000 deposit on a venue…it's 10 months away, and I'm feeling these feelings!? What the hell is wrong with me!? I know that I should stop entertainging this guy's advances towards me, I know that I can jeopordize my job teaching at this school…the slut professor who dates her student while she was ENGAGED…I just hear people's conversations now. I go back and forth all the time as to whether or not I still love my fiace, Eric. It's so annoying and I feel like I should know that answer by now, why am I still having this struggle, do I want to marry him or am I just afraid to leave him, too guilt ridden, too ashamed…or am I just confused because I have a disease which causes me to doubt everything, even my own feelings, identity, sexuality. I can't trust myself to make the right decision…I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't think I've ever ever been this lost or confused in my life. The questions…they don't STOP! Every waking second of my existence…"Do you want to leave him or not!!!??" What makes this even worse is that I've somehow developed feelings for this other guy…a STUDENT…I can't help it. But I don't know if that means I don't love Eric anymore…I have class with thtis student tomorrow. I'm so scared. I don't want to feel anything when I look at him, but I know I will and I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. "Slut, whore, skank," all sychronize in my head throughout the day. It's what I'm believing I am and there's nothing that I can do about it.