Hi everyone. Things are getting really rough. I'm just overwhlemed with depression to the point where I want to cry all the time. I don't know if it's because I'm overwhelemd with HW for my MFA program, plus not having any time to prepare for my big class next semester that the chair gave to me (and told me he would be checking in "frequently"), or that I lost a lot of money doing my art conventions…or that my best friend moved out a few days ago. I'm not alone, my fiance and I live togehter in this house, but my best friend was my crutch. He could handle my bs more than my fiance can-he's overwhelemed with financial bs himself. I pushed him to see a therapist and he listened, but like he told me, "How can we feel better when shit just crashes around us all the time?" He's right. It just seems that nothing I do ever works out. I see people like my cousin who get everything they want in life. She suceeds at everything she does-she became a successful personal shopper for friks sake! She was selling Mary Kay and now she and her rich husband just go on vacations all the time from his 100 k salary and her new salary she recieves from SHOPPING and putting up photos of herself everyday with that same God Damned smile. It makes me sick and yes I know that's wrong, but that's how I feel. I just feel like one of those people who's life will always be in shambles. You know those people who others look at and think, "Wow they must be jinxed." I know that things could be worse, I know that my fiance or myself can have a terminal illness, we could have lost everything in a fire, ect, but things could also be so much better. And they're not. I'm so worried that things will only get worse because I really feel like I'm jinxed. I think I might have this new religious OCD where I feel like God wants to punish me and torchure me throughout my life. The past 6 YEARS have been a nightmare, yes they could have been worse, but that doesn't mean I havn't suffered, that my relationship hasn't suffered. What if I'm here on earth just to endure pain and dissapointment? What if I end up with Cancer or I lose a family member to Cancer just so that God can prove to me that things could always be worse? What if I never live my dream and things for Eric and I just get to the point of no return and our relationship is obliterated? I feel like there's some wierd bad luck that just follows me everywhere and I will end up in a job that I hate, or I'll get lucky, become a professor, and be the person who failed at the very thing they are trying to teach-how to become an artist, an illustrator. A student said something shitty to me last semester. I was laughing about how a lot of contemporary artists have wacky names and I said,"When you're that famous, you have have any name you want," and this asshole student said,"That must be why you use your real name." It killed me because I want my students to look up to me, not look at me as some poor failure and that's what I feel like. I'm really scared

3 Comments
  1. kaleyg22 6 years ago

    I'm sorry you feel bad about your situation in life and I'm sorry you're struggling! God is not trying to punish you! God loves you! Now I know we can't really know all this for sure, but it's good to stay positive. I suggest you look up Joel Osteen on youtube. He is a preacher that preaches to a whole lot of people in this church. He has some very good insight into life and really helps me put things into perspective.Hopefully it will help you and I'm always here to talk if you want it!

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  2. Jessealuvseashells 6 years ago

    Thanks Roger and Kaley. 

    Kaley, I watch Joel Osteen once in a while. Sometimes I really do feel a sense of peace when I listen to him. Other times I feel like I love what he's saying, but I just can't find it in myself to have any faith to believe it. I still try to listen to what he has to say though.

     

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  3. kaleyg22 6 years ago

    That's good that you listen to him! if you haven't already, I think you should look up one that really speaks to what you feel, hopefully that will help but some perspective on your feeling of being jinxed

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