I haven’t been active on here since before the big overhaul, but I’m longing for a sense of support and community with a big life change looming over me, and so here I am.
I attended college from Fall 2011-Winter 2013. Before I began, I had been accepted to my top choice of universities but declined and attended community college because my mental health was bad. During my years at community college I tolerated domestic abuse from my ex-boyfriend, as well as from my brother (I am happy and proud to say that my brother has long since overcome his “demons” and is such a sweet and charismatic upstanding young man). I worked full time and did school full time and was always completely broke (whatever money didn’t go to school ended up being used on my crappy relationship). I quickly lost any sense of identity and started to feel like I didn’t even know what I was working towards. I attempted to end my life and, while I did survive, this brought my higher education to a screeching halt.
I left that relationship, threw myself into my work and climbed the figurative ladder where I work, have a health 7-year relationship with my partner, and have discovered who I truly am. However, I have reached a point where if I want to go any further in my graphic design career, I need to get my BA. I am currently in the process of getting registered with my top choice college that I never did get to attend originally. I’m on the right path and have people that support me, but the idea of going back to college scares the life out of me. It reminds me of the worst time in my life, and I’m so irrationally terrified that if I go back to school, my life is going to fall apart again. I fear I won’t be able to juggle it all and that I’ll lose myself in the fray again.
I have been doing incredibly well with my mental health after 6 successful years of counseling, of which I recently “graduated” (but continue to see a psychiatrist and likely always will). However, the closer I get to the start of the semester, the more anxious and agitated I get. In my career, I’ve had confidence in everything I do and always do my best. Now I suddenly feel like I can’t possibly believe in myself and I’m terrified of failure. I feel like an imposter, like I wasn’t meant to succeed at this.