I was writing this entry on an off while the road journey to Georgia today. it was suppose to b a four hour drive, but it took longer because of breaks and rest-stops, and of course when someone got hungry, I had to com up with some reason to get out of eating or just pretend I was asleep.
Anyway, We ended up getting to the hotel (everyone is staying at the same hotel, and my dad, his two sisters, his older brother and their kids are on the same floor as us.)
During the road trip my mom and dad got into a fight, made up and fought again, this happened several times- Currently they are in the 'mad up' side of things, Right now we're at his parents (my grandparents) house, (I brought my laptop w/me)
The big party isn't until tomorrow, so everyone is just catching up, having dinner and what not tonight….Anyway back to the beginning, I was able to get out of eating while on the road, and was just left to my music.
When we got to the hotel, it was right when Aunt sandie (she's pretty cool actually) and her sons were checking in…Now here's the problem….I was ok saying hi to Daniel, my social anxiety still kicked in though.
But seeing Brendon nearly sent me over the edge…He's that cousin I talked about earlier….I knew I'd be seeing him but I didn't think it'd be right when I walked into the fucking hotel! Of course I had to hug him, So I did but then before anyone could say anything to me, or before I even heard what he was going to say I excused myself to the hotel room and had a full-blown panic attack.
I also just ended up cutting my thighs from the stress. and here's what is also adding to my stress, Instead of sharing a hotel room with mom dad and my brother, I'm sharing it w/some of my cousins (not all the girls could fit in one room of course,haha) So, I'm with my cousin Alison,Rachel, and Natalie. (rachel is like in her 20's now, Natalie just turned 20, and Alison is 13.)
I'm nervous about how that's gonna go tonight, I don't want them to notice anything of course, Like what if they see my self-harm marks? or notice my social-anxiety or the pills I have to take because I'm such a fuck up? they seem nice to others..I know that's a weird choice of words, I've known them my whole life (they are family..) But I can't trust them, What if they only pity me? Alison when she was younger would follow me around like a puppy, but if she knew the real me…She'd want to get as away as possible…
All three of them (Alison is Steve's daughter, which is my dad's older brother. He's older by two years, then my dad, then Aunt carol, then aunt Sandie. they'll all apart by two years,) ( Rachel,Natalie,Aaron are carol's and uncle mark's kids)
(Daniel and Brendon are Sandie's kids, Andrew and Alison are Steve's and his wife's kids.)
Anyway, All three of them are so perfect y'know? I envy them…We're still and grandparents right now, I couldn't get out of eating…So I ate as little as possible…And I just got done purging all of it, my throat is killing me. I'm still avoiding brendon, But it's not that hard since everyone is asking about him and glad he's home (he actually went into the army, he was in there for two years and just got done w/it and came home last month, He chose to go himself I'm not sure why…)
And I'm just trying to not go into a panic attack, tonight it's just main family, you know grandparents, their kids and then us cousins. Tomorrow at the party more family will be there…like ALOT…and just thinking about it freaks me out…I know I look and act different in there eyes, I'm just so 'strange' and 'emo' to them.
Not sure what to think at this point…But I wanted to post this entry since I said i'd post one each day, Wish me luck the rest of the night, and that whenever we get back to the hotel, It goes well being w/my cousins all night…I'm so freaked out. But I know if I spend anymore time on the internet, my mom will nag me to 'interact' with my cousins…ignoring the fact i'm clearly freaked out,
I'm sorry if this post jumped around alot, my thoughts are scrambled and there's so much I want to say and not enough time..Also…Everyone wants to go swimming tomorrow, (mostly the cousins) and I'm not sure if i'll be able to get out of that…So again i'll see what happens, Wish me luck and I'll let you know how tomorrow goes….Sorry if reading this wasted anyone's time…god, my throat and thighs hurt so much right now…But it sort of lets me know I'm still alive.