I\’m really struggling to be ok right now. I mean, I\’m grateful that my husband is here with me, but usually when he is home I feel better. Today is not that day. I am so sick and tired of feeling this way, all I want to do is lie in bed, it\’s too scary and exhausting to do anything else. I don\’t know what\’s causing this but i\’ts frustrating. I really feel awful all the time, now. It used to be that when my husband came home, all my symptoms would go away. But not anymore. Now I feel terrible even when he\’s here, and I see dark shadows on his face too! The stupid things are everywhere.
I wish I had something positive to write about, but my existence (I can\’t call it a life) is so miserable right now, it\’s all dark and gloomy, thanks to the dark shadows that I see on everything. It\’s as though I\’m in a dark bubble. The bright spark of life has gone from my eyes. I can’t even explain it, it’s just the way it is. I think if I were able to see it from the outside in I could get a better handle on what it is. I’m resteeping a Famous Edinburgh tea. I love this tea, it’s so good, especially with milk and sugar. It’s probably not a good thing for me to be taking a caffeinated tea so close to bedtime, but I was craving the flavor of black tea.
I have just ordered two new packs of incense. I still have some myrrh incense left, but I wanted to get another pack of the sandalwood, and I also got a pack of green tea incense. I love the scent of green tea. How I wish life would go back to normal and be beautiful again. I applied some bakhoor scented perfume to my wrists. It’s a comforting scent. Believe it or not, I was a Muslim for four months last year. And I discovered a wonderful Islamic clothing company called Alhannah Islamic Clothing. I get the incense and bakhoor from them. Even though I’m no longer a practicing Muslim, I still want to support that company. I still have my miswaks from them. A miswak is a twig from the peelu tree that you can use as a toothbrush. No toothpaste is needed, as the bark has natural enzymes that are good for the teeth.
I think it’s good to try new things, like the miswak instead of a toothbrush. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to using a regular toothbrush. This is cheaper, and better for the environment, and probably better for my teeth. The miswaks last a long time. I like doing things differently, it keeps life interesting. Sometimes it’s the smallest details that really count. The myrrh incense is so good, but it keeps going out and I keep having to relight it. I don’t know if I want to go out for a drive later tonight. Part of me does, part of me doesn’t. I wrote yesterday that I didn’t feel like I had a purpose. I still don’t. I know my purpose should be to love and serve the Lord, but I still can’t find Him anywhere, so there’s that. Another aspect of my life’s purpose could be to love and serve my husband, which I do. But there’s an emptiness within me that I don’t know how to fill. I know it’s my God-shaped hole; I need to find God. How, I don’t know. I just want that bright spark of life to come back to my eyes. I am weary of the darkness.