I've been reading a lot of the blogs on here and so many of them ring true for me. Especially the ones about friendship or the lack thereof. I have a large group of acquaintances, some closer than others, but nobody I'd really call a "friend".
Some of the problem is that there are very few people I can identify with or have been through the same things. I'm not exaggerating. Most of my "closer" acquaintances have been having kids in the past few years. It's very strange for me since I had my kids nearly 30 years ago and they've been dead for nearly 20 years. Let's face it – not many people have been through that. While that loss is not all that I am, it does tend to define a large part of who I am. And I've lost so many people in my life that I tend to hold back because I'm pretty sure anyone I let myself get close to is just going to leave anyway.
Another issue is my past choice of friends. I tend to pick people who need me. I like doing for others. Unfortunately, I've allowed boundaries get blurred in the quest for friendship and have been very hurt as a consequence. It's difficult to open up to someone again because I don't want to go through that pain of betrayal. Yes, I've allowed myself to be used. It was the tradeoff I chose to have a "friend". I'm now aware that that kind of person really wasn't a friend and it's made me a little gunshy when I find myself in a potentially similar position again.
I'm waiting for a time when I can allow myself to be vulnerable again. To be able to open up and trust someone. To let them in. I'm not so much afraid of rejection as I am of losing myself and lowering those boundaries again. Codependence isn't just for romantic relationships, ya know.