I feel like every conversation is the opening night production of a show I was never prepared for. I’ve rehearsed my lines a thousand times; a thousand times I’ve gotten them wrong. I feel like I’m an editor, correcting every mistake before I even have the chance to make one.
Left.
Right.
Right.
Left.
Wrong.Wrong.Wrong!
It doesn’t matter how many times I practice in my mind. I never get it right. I’m tired from the mental laps I’ve been running to keep up with my racing thought, like everyday I’m trying to beat my personal time. I can’t trust myself on the best of days. But t least I’m not depressed. I should be grateful it doesn’t hurt to breathe today. Today I’m not fighting against myself. My biggest concern is trying not to embarrass myself or let on that I don’t trust myself. I’ve been trying to be myself when I have never fully known myself. But one thing I can be certain of; no matter what decision I end up making, I will be sure to doubt myself.
