Thanks to all those who left comments on my last blog. It really means a lot to know there are people out there who care!
On my way into work today, I spent some time driving lost in my thoughts about my depression. I was finally out of the house after having no where to go new years eve or new years or anyone to spend either day with. I realized that I need to work towards taking that big step of calling a therapist and making an appointment and finding someone I can talk to face to face. I've been so hesitant to make that call. I've gotten as far as looking up therapists around me and researching them online. I can even get as far as typing the number into my cellphone but I can't ever seem to press send. I chicken out and never place that call. I know I need to make it and do it but I just can't. I know that meds alone aren't enough to fix this but making that call just seems impossible.
I also realized that I won't be able to ever having a properly functioning relationship again until I talk out my divorce with someone. My divorce is happenedbecause I was neglected in the relationship. I put forth everything into my relationship of 14 years and for the last 4 of it I wasn't loved back. She never would admit to it (I still think to this day she won't) but I kept laying it all out on the table and it would not be reciprocated. I was taken for granted and once we had our daughter it just got worse and the neglect became more than I could handle. I was a third wheel in the house. No amount of talking to her or trying to fix things would help. It might have changed things for a day or a week but she would also slip back to old patterns. Now that I've moved on and am trying to have new relationships, I'm having issues about feeling appreciated and loved (if you can call it love). I'm always worried about being loved back and if I don't get contacted back or know where they are and doing I freak out and start to worry that they have moved one. I really think I'm very damaged goods right now.
Sorry for all the rambling. I hope it makes some sort of coherent sense.It feels good to type it all out and know that other people will get to read it.