I haven't been on here in a while… When I first joined, I was in bad shape.  I had full blown out of the blue panic attacks. I believe those are the most horrible.

I have been keeping a small journal about my thoughts, feelings, even the most scary ones that I didn't want to put on paper. And I finally realized whats causing these attacks. Its because the passing of my three grandparents.

When my first grandma passed. I was in shock. Disbelief, almost numb like. I didn't cry. I thought that I was bad because I didn't cry, and in a way I felt such a big weight lifted from my shoulders.  I kept my worries thoughts and grieving into my job. I worked my heart out and made sure I did the best and over achieved at work. It was great. I finally felt as though I had a life, and thought I was happy.  Then 8 months later, my other grandma passed. I cried at her funeral, and was sad and yet happy. I saw both of them pass pretty much. I still took out my thoughts and feelings at work. I over worked and achieved to the highest performance. It felt as though work was a security blanket in a way.

2 months later, my grandpa passed. I didn't get to see him for a year because when my grandma passed in 06, he was so hurt and sad that he moved down to New Mexico to live near his daughter which is my aunt. He died exactly a year from when he left. Sometimes I still feel he's down there because I haven't had closure from that. And in a way, I haven't really had closure with my other grandma's.

Then, Aug of this year, I started struggling with work. The more I over worked and did overtime to cover my thoughts, the more stressful I got. I never knew why I got stressed, but one night.. I completely thought that I was going to die. I had the most horrible attack, and I will never forget it.

I am on meds, and I finally realized that I haven't grieved properly. And the more I read, the more I found out that there's five steps to grieving. I had no idea.

I would have these awful dreams of dying, or panic attacks of dying, or feeling hopeless, sad, anxious, scared, all these negative thoughts.

But I realized that the dreams of dying or the fear of dying is a cover up. I have the flash backs every night when I sleep of my grandmas when they werre dying on their death bed. And I realize that that was such a big change, and I always thought that when you dream of death, death means a change in your life.

I have gotten much better with my attacks. I haven't had one in a while, but I can sure tell when they start to creep up. Sometimes it feels hard to turn the negative obsessive thoughts off, but there's always a way. When I talk to my Dr or other councelors, they always say that you'll overcome this, and sometimes you might have to deal with it the rest of your life. I was so close to my grandparents, more than my parents combined.

I have been trying to take one day at a time. Sometimes I wish I would rather lose a limb than go through panic and anxiety and also grieving. But I should be thankful. There's so many things in life to be thankful for and especially life itself.

My grandparents always said to me, "everything will come out of the wash." and I know it will someday… I have hope that it will be soon. I just very much dislike obessive thoughts. I am only 24 and for some reason, since my grandparents passed I feel that half of my life is already over… I just have to realize that my life has barely started.