I’m so tired of being alone.
As a child I had two reoccurring nightmares that haunted me for three years (from the ages of four to seven), and it wasn’t until last week I finally worked out what they were about. They were about being left alone and ignored.
What I don’t understand is this, if I’m so afraid of being alone why have things turned out this way? Why haven’t I been able to establish any friendships in my life? I have no idea how I managed to end up where I am today.
This morning I had a small bowl of pot set yoghurt for breakfast, and as I was scraping the bowl clean one of my housemates said good morning to me. It was a weak, squeaky hello. I didn’t reply.
Then I sat there at the kitchen table with my hands on my head crying as my housemate got her breakfast. She took it back to her room to eat it and I sat there crying. When she returned to the kitchen she dried the dishes from the previous night and starting doing the breakfast dishes. I sat there crying.
My other housemate then came into the kitchen and said hello. I sat there crying. My two housemates talked to each other about what they had planned for the day for about 10 minutes.
Finally they both left the kitchen and the washing machine beeped. I got up and hung out a load of business shirts and dress pants. I had put them in the machine earlier in the morning in case work called me up and wanted me to work in the city.
Work is in cost cutting mode due to the dip in demand from China and has put a halt on all transfers between departments. Unable to work fly-in fly-out, and without any more sick leave up my sleeve I’ve been forced to take leave without pay.
I doubt I would have wanted to work anyway. My confidence is shattered, and I’m becoming less functional by the day.
I want to move out of the house and find my own place to live, just so that I can avoid being ignored by my housemates. I could barely bring myself to justify the expense when I was on full pay, and now that my income has dropped from $1600 a week to zero it looks like I’m stuck where I am.
On the bright side my psychologist has pretty much got my issues sussed, and now it’s just a matter of getting me fixed (although I don’t see that happening). Apparently parental neglect between the ages of 1 and 3 is more psychologically damaging than sexual abuse. It traps the child in a vacuum where it lives alone for the rest of its life, unable to be reached by anybody. I can’t even remember anything when I was that young. I have one vague memory from before I was one, and then it’s all blank until I’m three. How the hell can you change something you don’t even remember?
I’m so tired of people telling me not to become isolated.
I am isolated. I always have been, and I was never given a choice otherwise.