I feel like pulling my hair out today. My Uncle came through surgery like a champ and was doing well until today. Now he's hypertensive, is on a morphine drip for the headache, and he's sleeping all the time. There's talk of sending him back to rehab or a home, and he threatened to commit suicide ~ so now he's being watched 24/7 and will be Baker-acted as soon as they deem him well enough to leave the hospital. He was supposed to be released tomorrow, but I don't think that will happen considering the shape he's in. Once again it's touch and go, and again all we can do is sit by and watch.

This household is full of negative energy tonight ~ my Mom and my Aunt had a huge fight about all of what's happening. My Aunt is flaky and won't do anything about getting help from the Veteran's Assistance program which could allow him to go home. She has issues with depression and when she's depressed she takes her Klonopin and goes to sleep. The problem is that she spends MAYBE 2-3 hours with him every day, but she expects my Mom to be there all the time. My Aunt doesn't work, my Mom busts her butt 10 hours a day. Now she's decided to use my step-dad's death as a guilt trick because she was there with my Mom a good deal of the time. But the problem there is that my step-dad was only in the hospital 13 days before he passed away. My Uncle has been in and out of the hospital for over 3 months now…

This family makes me SO mad sometimes ~ the guilt trips, the back-stabbing, the b.s.~ all of it is maddening and ridiculous. I decided years ago that I wasn't going to play this game with my family members, but ocassionally I still get sucked in. I end up being made to feel guilty because I'm mentally unstable and unwell and I don't accomplish enough every day. Whatever. I do the best I can as each day comes; and some days nothing gets done, while others are a lot better. My Dad even used to use the guilt trips too by showing me how disappointed and angry he was of my shortcomings. It's not worth how it makes you feel to be involved like that.

My Mom left a little while ago to take my Aunt out to dinner and get all of this straightened out. She's decided to stop playing the guilt game too finally. Good for her. Maybe this means she'll think twice before she does it to me.

I hate this. I hate the waiting and the strain that watching a loved one slowly fail brings. There's nothing you can do except try to be there. Tomorrow I'm going to go see him after my psychiatric appointment. He may not be awake but that's okay, it will still register in some waythat someone is there holding his hand. Maybe I'll take a book and stay for awhile.

I'm feeling pretty awful about this situation and the strain my Mom is under, and my Aunt too. But the worst is understanding my Uncle's wish to die ~ sadly I can identify with it from when I was so sick during/after my pregnancy. 🙁 What do I say to him if he brings it up? I'm the wrong person to talk to about this stuff considering where I've been myself.

I wish everyone well, and I hope tomorrow is better.