So I currently have a really awful obsession with a guy I barely know. We met on chatroulette a few months ago…. then we went like a month without speaking again… then I e-mailed him and we've had an ongoing skype thing. He's in London and he's probably the most attractive and "hip" human being who has ever given me the time of day. He seems to be very attracted to me… I really turn him on… so we've been having an awesome time on skype and i really love it. It helps me explore a side of myself I didn't really acknowledge…. my boyfriend could never turn me on like this guy does in a million years. He's also older… maybe 29 or 30, I'm not sure.
So here's the problem…. this whole thing has started to become an issue ever since the weekend after I got back from vacation.. maybe 2 weeks ago. We were playing on skype and he adamantly told me I was beautiful.. "and not even in a sex way" to quote directly. And "natural beauty is very rare." So here I am, being complimented by this guy who probably would never acknowledge my existence if I bumped into him on the street.. telling me I'm naturally beautiful. Even though we'd been seeing each other on skype for the past few months, something just struck a nerve in me that day. And I've been pretty much infatuated with this guy ever since… sadly, he's all I think about… and it's not even a love thing… it's like I need to seek his approval in my mind… I always consider what he would think about me– how I dress, how I speak, my actions, etc. It's because I see him as something completely intangible…. because I always see myself as a helpless little child and because I have no self-esteem, that's why.
And I'm such a fucking pathetic human being. Whenever I'm home alone, I wait there on skype hoping he'll come on. And he's a really busy person… he's a musician/actor, etc etc… he has a really exciting productive life and travels all the time. I'm so ashamed of my existence and feel the need to get his approval on my appearance to overcompensate how inadequate I feel as a human being.
Our sessions are fun but terrifying in a way… in a good way I guess… but I always need to drink every time I see him or else I'll feel very inhibited. I like that he brings out a different side of me that no one else knows about, but I feel like I can't be 100% myself, I would never want him to suspect that I'm a fucking loser with a really boring life and that I'm completely anti-social and insecure and can't hold a conversation with anyone in real life.
So last month he said he was going to be in NY for a few days and wanted to meet up with me… I said I'd think about it but wasn't sure… anyway he didn't end up coming here after all but I'm such a chickenshit I dont know what I would have done.
My point is, the fact that I'm talking to this guy with a really amazing lifestyle makes me question my existence even more than I already do. I am completely unhappy in every aspect of my life and no one respects me.
This guy is ALWAYS in my head, I can't stop thinking about him and it's driving me crazy. I'm not in love with him but I'm in love with the fact that he finds me attractive.
I feel so fucking wretched right now. Frank went out w/ the Chilean girl… it seems like every time I turn around, one of those Chilean sisters is visiting NY and I never want to include myself when Frank makes plans with them because he adores them. I'm such a pathetic loser compared to them and I fucking hate myself so much. My life means nothing to me.