This would probably be better in a forum, but I feel like I may have more words than forum paper.

I’m getting my binder today. Today. Despite all my fears this week; the fear that people will notice, that it will reveal something big about me that I’m not ready to see, I’m happy, even though I’m still scared of what I’ll find. The joy overpowers the fear.

I’m going to be honest here. I’m happy that I’m going to be flat chested with the binder, that’ll all be closer to looking like a boy, that I…I know I won’t pass….. and I know I’m not out, whatever that would look like or be like..and  we’ll I don’t know what I am, but anyway, I’ll be glad not to have more stupid boobs showing, that I won’t have to wear stupid shirts that make me look feminine. Im going to have to work on pants, but I’m just happy honestly today.

Its better than the alternative. Than yesterday. Feeling trapped in my body.

I’m going to go back a paragraph to clothes. I know clothes aren’t the main thing that tell you your gender, that it’s what you feel, but clothes are a important part of me. I guess they represent something. Make me look like a girl, when all I want to do is swath myself in men’s clothes, to have people not assume I’m a girl, even though that’s what I’ve been telling them, what my my pronouns, my shape, my clothes (I’m not out, and I don’t plan to be till I can figure…myself out)

Anyway, I’m just happy to be happy for once in my life.

Sincerely Felix, the person who doesn’t know what they are.

 

 

5 Comments
  1. souljawitchsfaith 5 years ago

    hello fella

    i feel ur excitement like it’s when I first got mine .. it really is one of the first steps to feeling sane im glad ur feeling happy
    i would love to talk to u if ur ever up for it

    klin

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  2. Author
    felix3 5 years ago

    Hi soul!
    I’m glad we can relate. Thanks:)

    I would love to talk to you To, and can do it really any time but I might be slow to answer, lol.

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  3. piscesbs 5 years ago

    *Thumbs up* I’m happy for you. It’ll take time. Believe me.

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  4. Author
    felix3 5 years ago

    Thanks pisce:} Yeah.
    I hope you are able to look for one soon and will eventually be able to get one!

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