I’m sitting on my bed, and my cat just scared the crap out of me. Her claws hit my leg when she stretched. I feel so jumpy tonight.

After all the drama of the day I have hit the bottle. I went to the liquor store before I caught the bus. I knew that if I didn’t get it I was going to be in a bad way. I also know that mixing meds and alcohol isn’t a good idea, but I have been doing it for soo long I don’t really think its going to make that much of a difference.

I took 44’s advice and decided to have another copy of my blogs on my computer. Just in case I was to ever get angry and delete my account.  I don’t think I would do that, but you never know. I was looking over some of my early blogs. Its weird cause on my second blog I said that I was going to blog often… wow yet another plan that went to dust.

I need to thank Army_Wife and 44 for commenting on my blogs. I do appreciate it and even though you may not think so, I do take your advice to heart 44. The things you say to me I take on. Well try to anyways. I have been reading army_wife’s blogs for a while. Sometimes its amazing how much you can see yourself in another person. I defiantly think I have found a new friend in Mel. So thank you very much.

I can’t believe I went to alcohol to save me AGAIN. I’m such a stupid person.. I really am. I don’t deserve the people that care about me. I really don’t. Sometimes I think that coming to this site was a mistake, cause then I would have to bother all you fine people with my problems. Yet there are other days when I don’t know what I would do without you. It’s a kind of love/hate relationship.

I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with a lot of people. Mostly myself, tho I never love myself, so I guess it’s a more a hate/hate relationship. Some days I just hate myself and nothing more. Sometimes I DISPISE myself. Those are the days when I cut. I feel like it has to be a punishment for being myself. I punish myself for being who I am. But really who am i? I’m just this girl. Nothing.

Yesterday I was showing a friend on msn some pictures that I took of animals when I was at an open plains zoo in Melbourne. There were pics of zebra, giraffe that sort of thing. The pics I showed him, he said were really good. That made me feel good. Only for a minute, but good. He said I should go into photography. I WISH.. I’m soo not good enough for that. Even though it is something that I love. I’m not good enough to have someone to pay me for pictures. I guess I could always just do it for myself, but again.. I’m not good enough for that sort of thing.