recipe for compulsives only
inner compulsion can have
– Walter Groupius
I understand compulsive behavior.
Wait, let me rephrase that.
I experience compulsive behavior.
Do you know how many games of Scrabble I had to play (against the computer) just now before I could start writing?
I dunno, 10 or 12.
Compulsive behavior seems to be hard wired into me.
That's the bad news.
The good news is that certain behaviors can be thwarted, blocked, redirected.
Take the gastric bypass for instance.
The weight loss surgery keeps me from over-binge-ing.
Yesterday, I spent the day preparing for a glorious, low-fat feast here at my lil' apartment.
In the middle of preparing an oven stuffer chicken surrounded by turnips, carrots, celery and 12 grain stuffing, I craved a piece of carrot cake. I had to have CARROT CAKE!!
Now, as you may know if you've been reading this blog for a while, the bypass makes it very, very uncomfortable for me to eat fats. A piece of carrot cake would definitely make me feel terribly nauseated. Even just a few bites would make me feel sick for an hour or more.
But I wanted carrot cake.
I ran out to the store, hair askew, no makeup, no earrings, just wearing my gross cooking clothes and picked up a few items. I bought Betty Crocker carrot cake mix, egg beaters (they have zero fat), baby food strained carrots, sugar free vanilla pudding mix and fat free sour cream (in hindsight I should have gotten the fat free cream cheese but I was not thinking clearly).
Came home and baked a cake.
A sorta delicious carrot cake with vanilla pudding icing.
I substituted the baby food carrots for oil.
Used the egg beaters instead of whole eggs.
Beat the vanilla pudding mix with part soy milk and part fat free sour cream to fac-similate cream cheese icing, licked the bowl and baked the hell out of that f*cker.
The pre-gastric bypass Lisa would have devoured the entire cake by now.
As of this typing, I've only eaten a fifth of it.
I'm still compulsive.
But at least my compulsion won't kill me.
I am grateful to you, my readers, for paying attention to me as I put myself back together after a lifetime of self-destructive, addictive behavior.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
She needs to know she's not alone (click here to leave her a comment).
I KNOW what she's going through.
The suicidal ideation, the severe binging, the hopelessness, the weight gain and the loneliness.
She says she wants to go skate, to go out and live, but she keeps trying to destroy herself with food.
God have mercy.
Readers please send some love and light to…I think her name is Esther.