I want to give up and die.  I can’t stop sobbing.  If I had anything sharp within reach, I would have already gone to work on my arm.  I’m eye-balling some pills, and contemplating worse.  I am in pain in every sense of the word.  I just need this to stop, whatever that takes.

I can’t stand myself. 

I am in such a terrible spiral, and I feel so alone.  No one wants to put up with this.  No one wants to deal with this.  I don’t want to deal with this.  I alienate people, and my life is going nowhere in a big hurry – just draining past.  I am such a waste.  I don’t deserve to find my way.  I don’t deserve any help or breaks.  I cannot construct anything in my reality that’s worth staying off smack.  Anything I try to build doesn’t get built, or falls apart short of completion.  (I can’t hold onto anything good – I push people away, and alienate them with my nuttiness).  Why shouldn’t I be a [email protected] junkie?  It’s who I was for the better part of seven years.  I know ho to survive that way. 

But, as I got older, it would get uglier.  And, it’s already been pretty ugly – I know that.

Maybe a short run, getting high steadily, followed by a quick death.  Probably an overdose.  Wouldn’t take much since I have been off so long.  Maybe $60 bucks or so…  maybe a little more, but not much more.  I’d probably do at least $80 to be sure.  I don’t even know if any of my old numbers still work.  But, I could just jep calling until one does.

Or, maybe I should just skip all the fun and games, and cut right to it.  I DO NOT WANT TO EXIST, RIGHT NOW.  I feel so alone, and so unwanted by the people I care about (my friends, Charlie, ect.).  I feel so broken and unneeded.  Nothing would really change if I were gone.  People would be better off. 

Sometimes, I just want to be with my daughter.  She’s been gone for a decade.  She never had the chance to be who she was.  I did all I could to make myself healthy while I was pregnant.  I stayed away from everything harmful – quit smoking, and wouldn’t even take Tylenol.  No caffeine, no second hand smoke…  no drugs that didn’t come from the doc, and I followed the prescibed diet meticulously.  (I was underweight at the start of things – had to eat a special diet, but i did so methodically).  But, it did not matter.  Born too soon with underdeveloped lungs…  she died the day she was born.  Sometimes…  our best efforts…  just aren’t enough. 

 

1 Comment
  1. diddypinks 11 years ago

    you say that being a junkie for the last seven years….. you know how to survive that what takes real courage and strnght is to change your life you are going through an awfull lot of emotional stuff because your literally thaing out emotionally. choose smack the easy way out and i wouldnt worry about being old you”ll because you WILL  die.

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