White room with white walls, I’m sure this is destined to be my fate forever.  Sure there are the usual layers of family photos and the colored couches and these positive motives flying around the room but there is a general underlying message that they are trying to get across to you.  As if you didn’t feel bad enough already for coming in here in the first place, as if you haven’t spent the past few days, hours minutes trying to convince yourself I am normal.

            “Have you ever seen any visions?”

            “No.”

            “Have you ever talked with people who don’t exist?”

            “No.”

            “Have you ever heard voices or had any schizophrenic episodes?”

            “No.”

            “Do you do drugs or drink excessive alcohol?”

            “No.”

            “Do your mother and father have any history of mental illness or diseases?”

            “Mom’s family.”

            “So you’re father doesn’t have any mental diseases?”

            “No.”

            “Do you have any brothers and sisters?”

            “Yes two younger brothers.”

            “Do they have any problems?”

            “No.”  That’s right, I’m the only insane one, the only one who’s really lost it, thanks for pointing it out to me.

            “Do you think yourself to be a god, have supernatural powers or control over others around you?”

            “No.”  This is hopeless; I’ve crossed the line of being normal.

            Then the real killer, “Has God ever talked to you?”
            “What?”

            “Have you ever talked with God?”

            “Yeah, I mean, I’m really close to God.”

            “No, that’s not what I mean, it is possible to have a close relationship with God and not…if you feel as if God has talked to you that means something else.”

            “Oh, no.”

            Have you ever talked with God?  I don’t know.  Is that a sign of pure craziness?  I’m sure of one thing that if I ever talked to God, I defiantly talked with God, I didn’t feel like I talked with God.

            “Have you ever had any euphoric moments?”

            “No?  Kind of…” Yes I have, does that mean I’m crazy?  No.    

         People wonder why so many people kill themselves every year.  What would drive someone to that point?  Why didn’t they get help?  Clearly anyone who asks this question has never been to a psychologist or psychiatrist.  Sure, at dinner parties they seem like interesting people who get to constantly interview weird lunatics, like myself, for example and such but if you ever had to go to one I’m sure you would hate psychiatrists too.  White room, white walls, I can hear them signing me up for the asylum already.  Ophelia’s sister I am.  Not strung this way because something terrible happened someone died, dysfunctional family and heaven knows this is not about a boy.  Just strung this way because this is how I’m strung.

         Here I am; white walls, white room because I have no choice.  I want happiness like nothing else in the world.   It’s something that comes to a lot of people naturally.  I look at all the homeless people on the street, the people without food without jobs, the people who actually live in families with people with alcohol addictions and beat them and I wonder, why?  The guilt sets in how could I feel so miserable all the time and still have so much?






1 Comment
  1. Bchemist4life 12 years ago

    In reading your blog I remembered how bad the mental health system is. I've seen both sides of the coin both in actually working in the field, and in needing help from it.

    I can understand looking at the world around you and thinking "I could have it so much worse", however you shouldn't compare two things that are not alike. Yes your life could be worse, BUT your life is unique to you, and how you handle/process things.

    Sometimes I look at my life in the same way, looking at all the good things going on in my life and then I wonder-why am I so miserable? So even I am guilty of looking at the world through a tilted perspective.

    After a while, sad to say, you start to learn the system and how to answer the questions to where they don't have a case to lock you up in an "asylum", even though there may be times where it is actually best to seek that kind of treatment.

    Don't give up hope. If you do talk with G-d, then you are actually at an advantage. You know how much he cares for you, and you can cry out to Him when there is no one else. Talking to G-d doesn't make you crazy, if it did I know alot of crazy people!

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