All of today has been focussed on my mental health. i woke up and went to the docs, came home, wrote some poems about depression/self harmto try and calm/release my mind, and then went to see my psychologist. it was very emotional, we did a core beliefs diagram a few weeks ago and she wanted to try and fill in the gaps today – turns out i have PTSD aswell :/ great. we focussed alot of how it affects me today, and in the last week. and how i get triggered. i cried most of the session, a quivvering wreck.
i came home the long way across the field so i could sit and ground myself on my favourite bench. i had lunch then went to the gym with a couple of friends, i dont usually go with anyone but it was quite nice to have company actually! we even went to the pub after for a bite to eat 🙂 one of the girls, we used to be such good friends, then she changed and it got awkward, today was the first day we hung out in years. was weird – but nice. i kept wanting to say "like the good old days" but felt guilty.
I've got a private job 2moro, decorating for a lovely little old lady. I know i shouldnt be nervous but i really am!! i'm panicking!!! ive just got everything ready..i can't stop looking at this stupid diagram my psychologist drew out for me. it makes sense its just so hard to read emotionally. i should really put it away! arggggh my family are pissing me off tonight! it makes me so jelous to see them getting closer and closer, but then again i get angry and anxious when mum tries to get close to me. ffs. i wish i could understand myself :'(
why do i feel so craaaaap! i cant cut anymore tonight, i have work all weekend..risky!