i don’t like to only blog when i’m feeling bad but unfortunately thats how its turned out today. i haven’t been here yet this week, i’ve been feeing pretty low and been in isolating mode 🙁 but i have been trying and get myself out of it. today i thought id made a breakthrough and found some focus and a reason to continue participating in life. but i seem to have come spiralling down at an alarming rate of knots this evening.
i decided i wanted to go for being an art therapist and go back to living alone and had grand ideas about windowboxes full of flowers and other ridiculous fantasies. i have now realised how stupid i am for thinking i can accomplish anything and am seriously considering just giving up. i have been having the bad thoughts again for a little while but felt in control of them but i’m scared because i’m weakening against them. i’m not writing this for people to tell me i have loads to live for etc. i’m writing it because i feel like my head will explode and i have noone to tell because they either wont listen (my family) or i dont want to bring them down when they are doing so well (my lovely bf) so i am telling myself and any of u kind enough to ‘listen’. i’m so desperately trying to fill the void in me, i tried to perk myself up with a sketch pad and pencils and new things for my flat and all thats happened is i feel like a fraudulant dreamer living in fairyland. idiot idiot IDIOT!!
i dont know what to do with myself…i cant cry, i cant get angry, very few positive things seem to make any impression on me again… staff nurse is on holiday for easter now but even when i saw him today didnt feel too helpful or inspiring until i hit upon going for it career wise but that was so short lived. mum says i flit from one thing to another and cant keep focussed on anything. she has been so horrendous to be around lately – everything she says is negative and i’m losing track of whether i believe anything she says. i’ve been ‘timelining’ in my relapse prevention group too today which has probably knocked me down a notch or two, its never nice revisiting bad places. also the man i went to see about finding out information for getting onto an art course was less than helpful to say the least. i know it wasnt me being sensitive as the receptionist wman was overly nice to compensate. i feel like very few people have nay faith in me, and unfortunately the worst culprit is myself. i am trying very hard to be aware of my thought processes and ctach myself out wen i start filtering for negatives and elaborating on them but i feel so so low tonite. i want to feel like i matter to someone – so much of the time i feel like i’m just there and like i’m not a full person in so many people’s eyes. staff nurse says that it is not in my head though – that said people do not see me as a fully feeling, operating, living person. like i’m somehow inferior to them – that it ok to treat me in a manner not like they do others. i wish i could feel some sense of self-worth and then i could think stuff them, i know i’m worthy to be here but when i feel so low like this i fully agree with them. what have i got to show for myself or offer to the world? bugger all. i’m just here. i need to change it. and i’m trying soooo hard but i’m just kidding myself.
hang in there. it will get better. you aren”t living in a dream world by continuing to come up with ideas about how to improve your life and environment. sometimes, things can seem too big to conquer, but flower boxes are doable, as is your career goal. i have similar thoughts. i want to build a container garden on my back proch, and go back to school to finish my degree, and lots of stuff like that, and the depression, and everything that goes with it, usually holds me back. just take on whatever little project you can at a time. whatever makes you feel productive, or useful… whatever makes you feel good about yourself… i usually find that i feel a little better if i do something constructive over the course of a hard day. i know how hard it is, but you seem to have some creativity inside to exploit. i know you can”t just snap your fingers and refocus your thoughts (if only), but try not to get down on yourself. you”re just chasing down happiness, and there”s nothing wrong with that. and, just because something”s positive, and good, doesn”t mean it”s silly or trite. we”ve all just become so cynical that we tend to dismiss the nicer, prettier things that our minds cook up. value those thoughts, and the fact that you have them. there are times when we get so low, we don”t know how to have positive, good thoughts, or how to conceptualize making things better (even in little ways, like adding flower boxes to the windows). good luck, dear.