i don’t like to only blog when i’m feeling bad but unfortunately thats how its turned out today. i haven’t been here yet this week, i’ve been feeing pretty low and been in isolating mode 🙁 but i have been trying and get myself out of it. today i thought id made a breakthrough and found some focus and a reason to continue participating in life. but i seem to have come spiralling down at an alarming rate of knots this evening.
i decided i wanted to go for being an art therapist and go back to living alone and had grand ideas about windowboxes full of flowers and other ridiculous fantasies. i have now realised how stupid i am for thinking i can accomplish anything and am seriously considering just giving up. i have been having the bad thoughts again for a little while but felt in control of them but i’m scared because i’m weakening against them. i’m not writing this for people to tell me i have loads to live for etc. i’m writing it because i feel like my head will explode and i have noone to tell because they either wont listen (my family) or i dont want to bring them down when they are doing so well (my lovely bf) so i am telling myself and any of u kind enough to ‘listen’. i’m so desperately trying to fill the void in me, i tried to perk myself up with a sketch pad and pencils and new things for my flat and all thats happened is i feel like a fraudulant dreamer living in fairyland. idiot idiot IDIOT!!
i dont know what to do with myself…i cant cry, i cant get angry, very few positive things seem to make any impression on me again… staff nurse is on holiday for easter now but even when i saw him today didnt feel too helpful or inspiring until i hit upon going for it career wise but that was so short lived. mum says i flit from one thing to another and cant keep focussed on anything. she has been so horrendous to be around lately – everything she says is negative and i’m losing track of whether i believe anything she says. i’ve been ‘timelining’ in my relapse prevention group too today which has probably knocked me down a notch or two, its never nice revisiting bad places. also the man i went to see about finding out information for getting onto an art course was less than helpful to say the least. i know it wasnt me being sensitive as the receptionist wman was overly nice to compensate. i feel like very few people have nay faith in me, and unfortunately the worst culprit is myself. i am trying very hard to be aware of my thought processes and ctach myself out wen i start filtering for negatives and elaborating on them but i feel so so low tonite. i want to feel like i matter to someone – so much of the time i feel like i’m just there and like i’m not a full person in so many people’s eyes. staff nurse says that it is not in my head though – that said people do not see me as a fully feeling, operating, living person. like i’m somehow inferior to them – that it ok to treat me in a manner not like they do others. i wish i could feel some sense of self-worth and then i could think stuff them, i know i’m worthy to be here but when i feel so low like this i fully agree with them. what have i got to show for myself or offer to the world? bugger all. i’m just here. i need to change it. and i’m trying soooo hard but i’m just kidding myself.