I've been away dealing with my last chunk of uni work and I honestly felt amazing with so many deadlines and tasks all crammed together. It sounds strange, but my anxiety was turned into pure motivation and adrenaline to get stuff done. The things is now Uni is totally finished and I don't think I'm coping too well, my emotions are so extreme and alternating, but I guess it part of the huge life change I'm about to face. I'm scared that once I finally move back home I'll just spiral into darkness, not long after I was diagnosed an going through hell I left for Uni… And I genuinely think it fix me. I was made to be independent and I loved it. Going back home, parents, family and a huge lack of friends will inevitably mess me back up. I'm trying not to convince myself of the fact tho because I don't want to encourage myself to feel bad. ( which seems to be what I do, I think about being anxious too much and it just all triggers ) My nausea is coming back as well, which I hate. I'm on no medication now because I only found it made me sleepier and less focused. I'm not really sure where to go from here both in life and in this blog… But then it's the challenge of life I suppose and it's now that I need to face up to it and see where I can go. It scares me to death and my nerves are all fully aware of that fact, but as the Dalai Lama tells me, you've gotta live one day and a time. Something I need to focus on much more is the current moment. Too often with anxiety I am hurtling forward in my mind playing out 'potentials' and other times I fly backwards replaying over and over past incidents which scare me. I feel like these days it's less anxiety and more pure fear and the tiniest details… What dress I'll be wearing one night, so as to impress by boyfriend by so that people won't constantly be staring an judging me…. Everything about that sentence is wrong and I know it, but this is what my brain has to focus on now, there's no distractions. Nothing is in my control anymore. Silly things like, being scared that the post man will deliver my parcel to the right place and I'll be in to collect it, is driving me nuts. It's not something I should lay awake thinking about. It terrifies me that I might fail at my new attempts in life because of these nerves. The nerves I feel when I'm in a new job is unbearable and I can't comprehend that feeling everyday.


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