I just signed up here. I don't really know what to expect. I've been dealing with depression for almost my entire life, quite litterally since I was a child. I've helped plenty of people through it but they all come out of it. There really one one period in my life where I can consider myself okay. I've had anixiety since I was a kid, of course I can only recognize it looking back now. I was in 4th grade and I begged my parents to let me switch schools because I was bullyed for my religon( IN THE FORTH GRADE!) I grew up unconventional with an Indian mother and a spiritual white father, we never really had a religon. And I was accepted into a local school that idk, grabbed kids from all over the district, and I was thrown into their top program. I didn't do well. I have failed in school ever since then, I'm college now and have a 2.0 gpa, and well, if I flunk out I might kill myself. But in that forth grade, I had a math class right after lunch. I never felt well in that class, and would often ask to go to the nurse, and be fine blah blah blah my stomach always bothered me. I once threw up and went to the nurse, my teacher told her I spit in the trash can….I should forgive her but most likely won't. Soon after or maybe before, I don't remember, my grandfather died (I think it was a few years after, I was maybe 11, 12?) and I would lie in my bed trying to comprehend death. I decided to find religon(on myspace for some odd reason, but I loved the religon and philosophy boards, I of course lied about my age) and found athiesm. When I tried to comprehend what it was to be nothing, it felt as if there was a black hole in my heart, consuming everything.
And yeah, that's where it started for me….I really don't know what I'm going to get out of this. All I know that I almost killed myself a week ago and my depression is ruining my relationship and its killing me. This is the first man I've loved and been loved by in return and he can't handle me even though I warned him……but I guess that's a story for another time. I just know I need help and idk where to get it…I want to die