Entry 2-

In addition to the bout of anxiety that sent me into a frenzy this week I am also still battling a virus, which has mostly gone except for a nasty cough and cold. I don’t like being sick and having anxiety because the lines start to blur if I am having symptoms from anxiety or are they legitimate. I meditated twice a day for the last two days and I’m going to use it as I need from now on. It seems to help, at the very least I can use it to ground myself in the morning, before bed or whenever I need. I was also thinking of signing up for a class but I am unsure how I can pay for that being that I have no job.

With an upcoming interview and many other important events on the horizon, I would like to regulate my anxiety. It would make it very difficult to be able to sit through an interview if I start to have any “balance” issues, palpitations, dizziness, etc. I am planning to meditate before I go and believe it will help me. Because I know that I can go through with this, since I have gone to many job interviews in the past, I will be sure to reaffirm this idea in my head the idea being to drown out worry.

Besides heart palpitations (constant) and a sense of dread from not knowing the source of my problem, my biggest issue has been leaving the house. I regularly avoid going out because “It’s a hassle”, “it’s unnecessary”, “it’s unsafe”, and a million other worries. Anxiety has crushed my ability to function as a normal human being as I’m sure it has for many other people as well. There are so many thing I wish to go out and do-visit new places, go to a job interview, go to work, spend time with family, go out on a date with a girl, and even basic stuff like going to the store to do shopping or therapy-but anxiety prevents me by convincing me it is a better idea to avoid these things.

well you know what? the truth is it’s not. I look at myself in the mirror in the morning every day and the first thought I have is that if I’m going to avoid difficulty and sabotage having a normal life, I don’t want to be alive. There is no quality of life in avoidance and I’d better stop doing it. The more you place yourself in the situations you find uncomfortable (the normal ones, taking the subway, being out in public, etc.) the more you will see how mundane they are and how really your sense of danger is unfounded. You are no more in danger outside of your house than you are inside of it, more or less..

Anyway that’s the idea at least. It does make it a little harder for me. I believe I tell myself that my situation is different and there for I DO have a reason to be worried. Because I smoked marijuana a few times, my brain is broken, I’m a victim of a traumatic experience and I’m not stable enough to be out of the house. But this is meta-anxiety, it is anxiety about your anxiety. It’s like taking it to a deeper, harder to remove level. But you have to stop it from there. Stop worrying. Don’t avoid. You are just like everybody else. No one wants to be on the subway, or in an elevator or out in public all the time. You just have to deal with it like everybody else. The sooner you start the sooner you can get your mind back under control.

Yesterday I was thinking about my anxiety and the source and my experience with intoxication. Even though I had already done my time thinking about all of these things, the thought occurred to me. Maybe I am still going through all this anxiety and having all these symptoms because I never accepted what I went through. Even though I know I came to terms with my history with alcohol abuse and the traumatic weed experience, I never actually moved on. Or maybe it could even be that these influenced how my brain operates and made me have a disposition for wanting to take “the easy way out” which is harder to fight than just “I’m lazy”; no it’s more like “I”m dependent on getting rid of feeling uncomfortable/doing things I don’t want to do/blowing things off/giving up.” Well that’s not how I want to live my life damnit. Every dr.s test came back negative, I am perfectly healthy and functioning, with that in mind I have a good advantage in life, my actual health, so it’s time to tackle my mental health. No more excuses. I wish to impose a zero tolerance on this kind of behavior, this self-defeating attitude of giving up because it’s easier. No more easy way out.

Lastly, I will begin to treat these like a “worry journal” so that I can do my worrying in here as opposed to “out there”! It should help me put all of my anxiety down, ten to twenty minutes a day and get me back to speed to get through the rest of my day.

Here are my worries:

I’m too sick to be outside, I’m not really sick anymore.

I’m too drowsy to be outside, have a snack and take a minute break.

What if my heart palpitates, it’s benign, my cardiologist told me so and I’m going back for an echo soon anyway.

What if I get lost, how can I get lost, I’m taking baby steps and walking around my neighborhood.

What if I feel tired, I haven’t been walking much lately, well then you start little and work your way up soon you will be in better walking shape.

What if I have nothing to do, we will find some way to be productive.

What if I’m left alone, then I’ll put the tv on, podcast, some nice music or go visit my cousins.

What if I spend too much time at home than normal, then I will simply go outside more often to make up for it.

What if I run into some one I don’t want to see, I will politely say hello and that I am in a hurry.

What if my friend cancels on me tomorrow, then I will use that time to do something else plus he never said we would be hanging out he said he would try I already planned for this therefore I have no worry.

What if the elevator gets stuck I wish I could live in a ground floor apartment, then I will take a deep breath and call 911 and I can use my meditation app to pass the time I didn’t get to choose where I live but soon I won’t be here anymore I will get to move out so until then I can rest easy knowing it’ll be over and I can pick a more desirable place to live. Or I can just take the stairs to my apartment.

What if my family get angry that I don’t go to church today, then I will maintain a good calm honest approach and let them know I am not feeling the best and that I am sorry. I tried my best and I can only do my best, they will have to understand whether they like it or not.