At my parents'' house at the moment.  I have an awful fucking cold.  And the air is so dry here, it makes it worse.  I feel so out of touch and wired… almost the same feeling as getting no sleep.  I really feel like shit.

What a strange weekend it was…

On friday night, I saw my ex best friend from childhood.  We had a huge falling-out that was her fault freshman year of college and haven''t spoken since… it''s been about 5 years.  I was very nervous to see her actually.  We talked about a lot of things… and I must say, it was comforting.  I told her that "there was a huge void in my life after it all happened..blah blah blah", but the truth is that I still haven''t completely recovered from it to this day.  I still consider myself essentially friendless and anti-social.  I didn''t say that exactly… but we both shared about our own bouts of depression/anxiety etc.. and it felt good to me to be honest.  In fact I want to see her again… but she''s going back to Berlin today.  We''re penpals now for sure.  Talking to her made me realize how I haven''t had a really close female friend in years… many of my friends are dudes… they''re frank''s friends.  I mean, of course Jake is my best friend and he''s almost like a girl but it''s not the same thing… and there''s no denying that to myself any longer.  She told me about when she broke up w/ her boyfriend of 4 years about a year and a half ago.  She said that when they broke up, their general status was as good as ever, but she decided that she didn''t want to be w/ him anymore, despite the fact that they had really worked through so many of their issues and we communicating so well, etc.  That''s fascinating to me.  And the point is, SHE broke up w/ HIM, not the other way around… and he would probably get back together w/ her in a hearbeat.

 

And then yesterday I had to go to my godmother''s 50th suprise bday party upstate… we left to drive there at 10am which sucked ass, plus I''m sick.  She''s my mom''s best childhood friend from when they lived in the bronx.  I had a pretty shitty time actually.  When I woke up yesterday morning I felt good from seeing Ash the night before… but it definitely wore off throughout the day yesterday.

How I''m feeling at the moment:  angry at myself for putting up with Frank''s bullshit.  I called him like a million times during a 12-hour period yesterday and texted, etc and he never picked up his fucking phone.  So by the time I got back to my parent''s house it was only like 8pm, but I really wasn''t feeling good so I didn''t want to commute unless I knew that he''d be home so we could spend time together.  Since he wasn''t picking up I figured he was definitely out, left his phone somewhere, etc.  So I just rested on the couch and kept calling him every hour or so in the hopes that he was planning to come pick me up.  But it was a no-go.  I called him around 10am this morning and he FINALLY picked up, but he was still in bed and cranky as fuck.  He said he was watching football @ Andrew''s and drinking last night which doesn''t bother me at all… but then he was all like "why didn''t you call Andrew''s phone" and all mad at me and blah blah blahhh.  totally made me feel like a guilty asshole as usual… and we both hung up.

And here I''m thinking– we''ve been together for like 6 years now… this shit shouldn''t fucking happen anymore.  Granted, it happens less than it used to… but basically whenever I have a family-related obligation in jersey and he can''t or doesn''t want to go for some reason, he always instigates an argument.  It''s absurdly childish.. and then I think  "well maybe I''m such a worthless piece of shit that I deserve to deal w/ this the rest of my life".

Frank & I may possibly be at a dead-end… I feel that in general, we are not very constructive to each other''s lives… but more like comfort food I guess.  Not sure, though.  I love him in a way that I can''t describe but I''m definitely not in love with him… honestly I don''t know if I ever was.  Of course when we first got together I suppose I was just in love with the way that he treated me… until he became really controlling a year later and my entire existence was based upon appeasing him.  At least it''s not THAT bad anymore, seriously.  At least I didn''t kill myself yet… but seriously our bad times in the past were enough to make me suicidal.

The point is, he never believes that he is ever at fault for anything.  He almost never apologizes because he cannot empathize with me.  I realize that he projects rage as a result of feeling lonely or abandoned or not important to anyone.  At times I feel that he is literally insane because of the way that he distorts situations in his mind… any argument with him is entire draining and debilitating for at least 6 hours, seriously.  And it''s so unhealthy, it''s probably taken years off of my life.

1)Disgustingly unreasonable ultimatums. 2)Cruel accusations.  3)Distortion of truth and illogical reasoning skills. 4)Semi-hypocrisy. 5)Poorly-timed jealousy at his convenience.  6)Poorly-timed instigation of arguments… and why the fuck does it usually happen when either A} I Happen to be in a good mood or B} Am feeling extremely vulnerable.  7)Abuse of my good nature/submissive attitude.  8)Tendency to be judgmental and stubborn.  9)Insensitivity. 10)Generally doesn''t make love to me/would rather pathetically ''talk dirty and just fuck''… and always talks during sex haha!

I''m pretty tired of writing this so that''s all for now…

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