My mood has been declining for a while, and I finally crashed over the weekend. No job, no friends, no life really. Living with my parents, which is nice but sometimes I can't forget that I should have a life and home of my own. My anxiety and depressive problems got the better of me years ago, and I've been stuck in the same rut.
There just doesn't seem to be anything to do. I'm supposed to be getting some help finding a job, but the people I contacted about it haven't called back. But getting a job isn't enough, is it? I'm already miserable, and if I get a job I'll still be miserable. I'll just be miserable with a job.
Sometimes I think something went wrong in my head years ago. I didn't notice it at the time, or realize how serious it could be, but as time went in I became more and more anxious and depressed, more and more isolated. I've been so isolated for so long, I feel like I don't belong out there in the real world. I feel like I had a chance, one really good chance to change things about eight years ago, but it didn't work out. Maybe it wouldn't have been the positive life-changing experience I thought it would be, but the problem is that now I'm left wondering what might have been, what my life would be like if that particular event went the way I wanted.
I know there's no use and being obsessed about the past, but the present isn't sparkling, and the future just scares me. And when I get depressed, I look back and see that in the last eight years I've been able to do so little to change things, and the things I have done haven't worked out.
I'm almost suicidal, but not really. There are reasons why I don't feel like it's an option anymore, so instead I'm just trapped. How did I end up so screwed up? Why does it have to be like this?