Went through a rough Sunday in terms of self-loathing. My folks still aren't off my back, and I woke up late for the third week in a row. Since I don't really have anything to look forward to, the only thing I feel as though I have some control over is my sleep.
I pretty much ran out of the appartment today to clear my head. Didn't shower, didn't eat a decent lunch, just ran for it. Ended up at a nearby mall looking for job opportunities, more to keep myself occupied than for the sake of getting one. Haven't sat down to take a load off my feet for about three hours, and they are currently killing me.
That's not really why I wanted to start blogging. I've been thinking about what I've been saying in the last few entries and they're all too dark for me to really stomach right now. Looks like the negative emotions are starting to grab a huge hold of me. The wierd thing is, I don't remember where they started from. I just keep waking up angry, my sister constantly feeds that anger, and it seems to be the most natural thing to me right now. Kind of like Dallas from The Outsiders: the outside world has hardened me to a point where it's all I can really do to keep myself sane. Wierd, right?
I guess I'm just upset that I don't have anyone around to make me feel better anymore. With no school to look forward to, I've lost every pillar of support that would make the days easier to take one by one. Maybe it's just nostalgia, but I wish I could spend some time back in the school auditorium. It seems more of a haven than my "home" right now.
Maybe I should start looking at colleges right now. I don't know anymore. I'm just a big jumble of emotions at this point, the most dominant one being regret. Regret for what, I can't say. Every once in a while, I keep finding myself thinking that I should have killed myself, but then some small thought comes along and I forget that those thoughts even existed.
Either that, or some piece of media comes along that cheers me up, like two nights ago. I was watching some oldies concert on PBS and a song called Cara Mia just made me see a ray of sunlight peeking through all the troubles I have. Might be because I was surprised that an old man like Jay Black can still sing so well at his age. Just look up the song and you'll understand what I'm talking about.