First, i'd like to say thanks for the comments on my last entry and so I think for the time being, I'll keep blogging and if I ever do write anything that annoys anyone…Please tell me…
Now….I've been in the hospital since March 27th, it's now April 27th….It's basically been a month and i'm still stuck in the hospital. Although, It looks like I might be able to be released from the hospital this coming Sunday (April, 29th)
But, It looks like i'll be sent home with the NG/GI feeding tube still in…Which is making my anxiety ten times worse. It's only temporary, But I know that as long as this tube is in, when I go home i'm not leaving the house. (Which before I rarely left the house anyway)
but now I REFUSE to leave at all, Because I know people will stare and make comments about it and i'll be more of a freak at school or public then I was before!
and to make it all worse, this one girl doctor (I forgot her name) that works with Dr.Eric (he's alright, out of all the doctors he's the only one who doesn't annoy me) keeps talking to me as if I don't understand the situation, or that I'm CHOOSING this and that it's my fault, she just keeps provoking me!
But it probably IS my fault…I deserve all that happens to me. I'm scared of what others think of me, I'm scared of what I don't know AND what I do know. Most of all, I'm scared of myself. I know I'm fucked up, But everyday I'm starting to feel like there's no hope for me at all.
Again, I hate receiving compliments, so when Dr.Eric said how strong I was being during this whole month, I wanted to laugh because I know it's not true.
I'm not strong, I'm a coward…Just look at all the disorders I have, and the mental problems, and medical problems, I'm disgusting on both the in and outside. I'm so disgusting, I'm not even sure how Brendon was able to even touch me without vomiting…
He must have been really desperate to sexually abuse and rape someone so vile like myself.
Again, It was my fault. These are the thoughts that are haunting me, taunting me rather. I feel like there's someone else inside just having a blast watching myself crumble underneath the pressure of this world.
I want to cry and scream until I bleed and feel numb. I can't take pride in everything I do, Even though people say I'm a great writer and artist, I don't believe them. Despite the fact I keep writing my stories and people leave comments on how they like my story and to keep writing, I feel like it's actually just pity and that I have no real talents, that everything I do is horrible.
I want to go home, I'm sick of being in the hospital for so long. I want to be with my dogs and not in the eyes of nurses and doctors 24/7.
Atleast when I'm at home, I can fall apart alone, and in my room without worrying that anyone will notice. I just slip away and disappear. Here though I have to watch my every move at all times to make sure I don't do something 'odd'.
So….Like I said I hope that by this Sunday I can go home. But I guess we'll see….Alright…Well talk to everyone later I guess.