my god i havnt been on here since 2009, thought i cud do it on my own but iv been through hell since then.

i wnt go in2 all the details of my hellish 3 years but im pretty sure iv brought a lot of it on myself, seeing the wrong type of guys then getting hurt then self harming after the end of every disasterous relationship.

the worst thing thats happened tho is gettin pregnant last year, i was so happy wen i found out that i was carryin another baby + got carried away with myself until i had 2 tell my boyfriend + thats wen everything turned bad. we'd been together on + off 4 a year by then but he was always workin away so didnt see much of each other. he didnt want me 2 keep the baby, said it was the wrong time, he wasnt ready + if i had an abortion we wud have an amazing future together + have children together in time. how stupid cud i b by believing him!!!

he took days off work 2 take me 2 have a scan 2 see how far gone i was + then 2 actualy have the abortion, then took me home + left. it was an awfull time 4 me + im sure every woman that goes thru the traumatic experience of an abortion but he left me 2 deal with it on my own he hardly in touch + it was 3 months b4 i actualy saw him again. he got over the loss of his baby b4 the abortion + iv paid 4 it ever since. theres not 1 day that goes by that i dnt regret what i done, my baby wud have been born within this week, its killing me.

iv cut my arms 2 shreds cos i cnt cope with the hatred i feel 4 myself over wat iv done, i feel dead inside + not worthy of any happiness in my life anymore.

im still with the boyfriend cos i feel that if i give up on him then my baby died 4 nothin eventho he treats me like crap, the only time i see him if 4 a quickie wen he feels like it then he's gone again 4 another few weeks. i feel as if im still punishing myself by just staying with him.

i so wish i had a magic wand that cud turn the time back + id keep my baby + just get rid of him