Hello, I decided to join this group because I do not know where else to turn. Recent events in my life have made me extremely anxious and unable to eat or sleep. In two weeks i have lost ten pounds. My girlfriend left me. I lost my job and was denied unemployment. My father is very ill in the hospital. I have terrible sinusitis issues. I just started community college courses, 5 of them. my anxiety attacks are the worst at school and in the evening. I have been suffering from severe depression and anxiety for 12 years now and it just seems to get harder everyday. I was doing ok for awhile when my girlfriend was in my life, i was happy. when she dumped me it turned me upside down and the other factors i have mentioned like my unemployment and my father being sick are bothering me a lot. I started stealing my mother's xanax pills just to try to take the edge off the anxiety, I feel like I'm going to get addicted to those if i keep taking them but i don't know what else to do. I try to meditate and not think of things but its impossible for me. i am already addicted to suboxone which is an opiate. I feel like I am losing my mind and total control of my life. For the past 5 years anxiety and depression have literally crippled me. I have been in and out of therapy and counseling and I feel like no doctor or therapist in the world can understand or help me, they just offer to shove more addictive, damaging drugs down my throat. I feel like its just about the money with these people and it scares me that there is no real help. I want to die. I've been wanting to escape this world in which i feel like i don't belong, for quite some time. I will never have the courage to take my life though, I love my mother too much to leave her and put her through the misery of losing her only child. How much longer will I suffer? How much longer will i feel heartbroken over my girlfriend dumping me? Will my father ever recover and come home? Will i pass my classes? Will I make it to the end of the year without having a nervous breakdown? everyone around me, friends and family always give me advice and try to be supportive, I appreciate their efforts a lot and love them all but I feel like this menace in my brain will hold me hostage forever. i'm sick of being tired and tired of being sick. Like i said Ive been suffering for a long time but it increased like 100x the past two weeks with everything hitting me at once and I just cannot handle it. I know there are people worse off than me but I still cannot help or turn away from my personal suffering. I feel myself growing weaker with each pound I lose, with each minute of rest I cannot get, with each minute I spend trying to relax. I wish that I could give my life to someone who is suffering worse than I am, to someone who's dying, to someone who appreciates life and is stronger than me. I don't deserve to be here and I'm sorry to put any of you reading this in a negative mood, it just helps to write this stuff down sometimes. Anyway, I'm new to the tribe and if anyone can tell me how it works here, I would appreciate it greatly.

thank you