Today at work D and I were talking, it was an innocent conversation but it ended horribly.
We were talking about how much weight we could lift and I mentioned how I carried my 215lb ex up two flights of stairs on newyears two years ago. Thats when I realized that was the day after I broke D's heart.
What happened is me and my ex split up and I had confessed my love for D, except when he tried to make a move the day before newyears eve I panicked and ran… literally ran, from his house… I wasn't ready for a relationship with D at that time, I was terrified that it would ruin our friendship since he was my best friend. Needless to say the next day my ex picked me up and took me to his mothers place an hour and a half out of town and we ended up getting back together.
Me and D call being affectionate "being squishy" and if you are a gamer or have ever played WoW you know what a squishy is.
Anyways, after two years of denying he got hurt and insisting no harm came of that because "He understood" (Although I knew better than to believe that) he admitted that since that day he hasn't been "squishy" or affectionate, he said when I ran from him he realized he was "too nice" and he changed.
While I am not surprised by this at all it still hurts to know the truth, it hurts to hear it from him. I have beaten myself up for hurting him for two years now and not a day goes by that I don't think about that day. I regret my actions and wish I could take them back but I can not… I think I would prefer thinking the reason he isn't affectionate is because of the other girls who harmed him, but now I know the truth.
I broke the man I love, I harmed him enough to make him shut off his affection…. I know I will never forgive myself for that, this is a fact, I just wish there was something I could do… I really messed that one up 🙁
So in the end I have learned that 9 times out of 10 ignorance truly is bliss.