It's been a while. I don't know where this came from, but I am not excited about it. I had intrusive thoughts constantly as a kid. Harm stuff, but really sick, violent things. Gross sexual thoughts. Just horrible stuff. They really went away for a number of years. I've had a lot of them this past week though and it's tough telling myself they're just thoughts. I have no inclination to do any of the things that pop into my head, but I feel like I've done something to cause them to be there. My husband asked me what it was, but I didn't tell him. I have to get over the confessing, plus I don't want to know if he's had similar thoughts. It just makes me think something is wrong with him (although my husband has ADHD and depression and is more inclined towards them than the general population anyway).
I'm terrified about having these thoughts when I have a baby. I'm almost certain they will come, but I want to be prepared to deal with them somehow. My psychiatrist did up my dose of Lexapro to 20mg so I'm hoping that helps me. I hate being so disturbed by my own thoughts, and if I'm able to ignore them I feel like something is wrong with me for that. I really hope this intrusive thought thing is temporary. Sometimes I think my OCD moving from one thing to another so quickly means I'm recovering and it is fighting back. I guess that means I'm moving in the right direction if it has to throw everything it can at me. Still, I hate OCD and everything it comes with. I want to be normal again now. I should never have gone off the prozac with so many horrible things happening in my life. At least now I know for sure that if my life starts to get incredibly stressful it's not the time to STOP my medication!!!