I have never wrote a blog before but today im feeling hopeless and trying somehow to reach someone, anyone..that can understand. Firstly I want to just give a tiny background of my life at present just to make it easier for someone to understand. I am 27 years old, I have a great job. A have a fantastic girlfriend ( im a lesbian) I have good friends and a great family. The whole package really but.. I have for years been struggling with myself. I have severe mood swings, anger, frustration, paranoia and control issues. I have had these horrible things follow me around for many years now and the only thing is they are getting worse but still i can hide them at the best of times'Depending who i am hiding them from. I have over the years spoke to psychologists, councillors, i have attempted suicide by overdosing in sleeping pills, i have had a brief admission to a psychiatric hospital, I have been prescribed lexapro and effexor which i felt numbed my life and in a way I couldn't deal with.. Despite all of that i have gotten stronger but still im beginning to lose the small bit of hope i have left.I feel as though my time is running out and everyday im like a ticking time bomb and despite my efforts to stop being this person, it happens everyday and i can only explain it as the person i want to be or who i truly believe i am is standing there watching.. I know my girlfriend sometimes falls asleep with the person she loves and wakes up with a monster and its not fair on her and its not fair on me cause its happening and i can see it but i cant stop it. Its like an out of body experience that happens everyday. I don't know how my girlfriend holds on, i hurt her so much with words and fighting and making her think things are her fault when they are not! I think she can see this in me and i have explained to her before that i cant help it but how much longer can she take that as an excuse, shes amazing and she will find someone better than me and somedays i wish she would cause its killing me to see what I do to her. I don't mean it! I have started thinking about suicide again and that scares me but thinking about all the people who have committed suicide and wondering were they exactly like me and felt that they couldn't get away from this any other way. Its easy to walk away from a relationship or a job etc but how do u walk away from yourself? I just hope someone reads this and has the words to help me. Im done with doctors, medication and therapy. Im desperate though to find words in a stranger who feels like me and who can cope. I cant cope anymore.