I have never wrote a blog before but today im feeling hopeless and trying somehow to reach someone, anyone..that can understand. Firstly I want to just give a tiny background of my life at present just to make it easier for someone to understand. I am 27 years old, I have a great job. A have a fantastic girlfriend ( im a lesbian) I have good friends and a great family. The whole package really but.. I have for years been struggling with myself. I have severe mood swings, anger, frustration, paranoia and control issues. I have had these horrible things follow me around for many years now and the only thing is they are getting worse but still i can hide them at the best of times'Depending who i am hiding them from. I have over the years spoke to psychologists, councillors, i have attempted suicide by overdosing in sleeping pills, i have had a brief admission to a psychiatric hospital, I have been prescribed lexapro and effexor which i felt numbed my life and in a way I couldn't deal with.. Despite all of that i have gotten stronger but still im beginning to lose the small bit of hope i have left.I feel as though my time is running out and everyday im like a ticking time bomb and despite my efforts to stop being this person, it happens everyday and i can only explain it as the person i want to be or who i truly believe i am is standing there watching.. I know my girlfriend sometimes falls asleep with the person she loves and wakes up with a monster and its not fair on her and its not fair on me cause its happening and i can see it but i cant stop it. Its like an out of body experience that happens everyday. I don't know how my girlfriend holds on, i hurt her so much with words and fighting and making her think things are her fault when they are not! I think she can see this in me and i have explained to her before that i cant help it but how much longer can she take that as an excuse, shes amazing and she will find someone better than me and somedays i wish she would cause its killing me to see what I do to her. I don't mean it! I have started thinking about suicide again and that scares me but thinking about all the people who have committed suicide and wondering were they exactly like me and felt that they couldn't get away from this any other way. Its easy to walk away from a relationship or a job etc but how do u walk away from yourself? I just hope someone reads this and has the words to help me. Im done with doctors, medication and therapy. Im desperate though to find words in a stranger who feels like me and who can cope. I cant cope anymore.

2 Comments
  1. tosmileagain 8 years ago

    Hey! I am in the same boat as you. I am also 27 with a great job. I'm a kindergarten teacher and I love it, but I am struggling and have been struggling really bad. I am still searching for ways to cope. I attend therapy weekly, I am on medication, but it does not seem to be helping. I'm sorry, but I do not have the words to encourage, because I am searching for those words myself. All I can say is to keep fighting, and keep writing blogs so you don't keep everything in. You may take out your anger on your girlfriend, but she's still there. You said you have great friends, so you have a lot of people in your corner. Don't give up. I also consider suicide often, but I'm still here…You're still here. We fight this battle that many don't see or understand. We fight and win daily. You are stronger than you realize. Remember how strong you are and allow that to push you to keep fighting! Take care! 🙂

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  2. angelpiepam2 8 years ago

    Hi I know there is probably nothing I can do to help you because I only know what works for me and we have totally different things going on.  You have so much good in your life as you have revealed and while I would hate to have mood swings and rages I am jealous of you.  I am 56 and I still feel like the same person as I always did.  I feel like I am at the 1/2 way stop and life doesn't give me the chance to be young and have a 27 yr old face or the 27 yr old fun.  Its so creepy being old. When I wear a short dress I am just an old lady in a short dress.  Not sexy anymore.  You have a fantastic partner.  I hear so much of how lonely people who are alone get so desperate. You have good friends and I bet the care about you.  Great family, I know they love you very much and would be so destroyed if you really did commit suicide. My sister is gone and although we had our problems, I really wish she was here and living her life.  I know my Mother misses her so much. She didn't take her own life she suffocated because she had an asthma attack and her doctor wouldn't refill her inhaler until after she got in with some specialist doctor and they were trying to make the appointment but couldn't get a soon enough appointment. so she couldn't catch her breath and passed out and we couldn't cpr her back to breathing again.  I know maybe you don't care about me and my sister.  My depressive illness was very serious for many years and I felt like they tried every medication on me.  finally I am stabile enough to live on my own. so medication is my answer for me but it may not be the answer for you, but I know that the brain chemicals and mood centers of the brain can really give you crap that you don't want or need.  You sound like a like-able person except when you are out of control. I have a belief that when you have thoughts of suicide it doesn't really mean for you to kill yourself, but it can give you a good hint that something in your life has to change. Do you have any place that you crave to go on vacation? Save up and enjoy some of what makes living having things to plan for and look forward to.  I love Manhatton.  I think it is the coolest place to visit or for you it may be the ocean .  don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.  I hope I didn't bore you. Have a great week

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