I'm sitting here writing this when I should do some work I need to do but I just can't let this go, not anymore, I'm tired of just bottling these thoughts up and letting them consume me, fucken tired of it. I have been thinking and been replaying my past and keep myself up at night just thinking how horrible I am. Since I could comprehend and remember I have been torturing myself in my mind. I just do not have any vertues or just anything I could just keep my head up for. Shure there are some morals and ethical beliefs I do follow and well keep up that make up for a percentage of what I have not done or what I am not. The past five years I've been close to completely alone with my thoughts and feelings, I just don't believe in worrying or bothering people with my own problems, It's kind of like "keep it to yourself and stop whinning" kind of thing but lately I cannot stand just sitting in my room staring at a wall sometimes with an inner monologue playing scenarios of how I would or should have done things throughout my life until now. Or just imagining things that I would want to happen. I don't have a "plan" for the future for these same reasons and well it's frightnenning, one day I say "suck it up,pull up your boot straps and don't be a sissy and deal with it", and some days I just want to sleep all day and not look onto the decaying earth. My mind is in conflict, and yes it does run in the family, I grew up in a negative household, more specifically one parent that was always negative and just full time realist and angry/disapointed with the world and the other that just put up with it. An overall whiplash of emotions throughout my life. I do realize this is personal, what I am sharing but I if I can help to evaluate this, change something for once, maybe I can find something to help stop me of  looking at the ground and look just a little higher.