Today has been hard.
The lowest of lows, it has been a dark sad lonely day for me, even though I am surrounded by love, I am alone. I feel so empty and lost. Yesterday was a good day for the most part, my mood started taking a nose dive last night, I haven’t done anything today but cry, but I decided to make myself blog. Maybe this will help me. Maybe it won’t who knows. I am kind of thinking maybe I should not have stopped taking my meds. Why did I have to be born with a broken brain? SO many of us, living with this with very few of us having someone that actually understands. Its so hard..right?Honestly, I don’t want anyone that I love to understand this or go through this, I am just really tired of carrying this by myself.
For me…Therapy is scary and HARD. The times I have gone, I have left a complete mess and was a wreck for weeks after. IDK, I don’t really feel like digging up horrors and traumas from our past is the best way to start the healing process. I have started to write a book, countless times, because I am that person that is forever going through things that people say…if I didn’t actually know you or been there with you, i would have never believed it…I have been through some bull&%*$ let me tell you. One thing every Therapist has told me is, I have a wall..that needs to be broken down or else I am never going to be able to start the healing process. I honestly am starting to believe this to be true because overtime I have started to write my book..I stop at the same time in my life and never continue…I feel like I’m in one of those escape rooms, in the dark but the walls are all very close together and the ceiling is very low…I am suffocating as I am running around..trying to escape.
Hello , wow , you really just opened up and told it how it is for you at the time you wrote this . I can totally understand the need to write , it’s a feeling from within yourself , you know you can’t go on as you are so your thinking that a creative way of expressing what you feel could help ….did it ? do you feel a bit better for reaching out and telling your story ? I hope so . you said you stayed in your room all day and did nothing but cry , that can’t be the case , you must of been thinking , thinking , thoughts about yourself , nasty ,unkind ,bad , negative and very cruel things . You have to start trying to ignore those thoughts that lead to painful suffering , stomp on them before they fuck you over cos they will . You say you have a broken brain but I don’t think that is true , you expressed deep inner feelings so much so that I feel your a sound person . Don’t give up the fight for you . I reckon as long as you fight each single day your get through to a better way of being you . Therapy is hard .. f’uking hard but it’s a safe space from peeps you know at least . Maybe you having a wall up has saved your life , maybe you needed that wall but perhaps when your ready you can smash a few windows in there and who knows maybe a door too xx hope u stay strong
I have never looked at my “wall” like that, as maybe it’s something that has saved my life, literally. That is something for me to be grateful for.
Thank you addictintrouble.
I haven’t told anyone that I stopped taking my meds, I do have them handy if I get to the point of complete mental chaos. I haven’t gone to my shrink in a while, it messes me up when I go. I feel like being bipolar is a curse, I am sorry you suffer with this too.