I have spent six out of the past seven nights sleeping in the back of my car (worse than the week before), but tonight I decided to sleep in my bed. I finally went to a support group tonight, last week I attempted to go but it was cancelled due to lack of numbers. I guess I’m filled with a bit of hope again.
Over the past week I have struggled constantly with boredom. I’m supposed to be changing my life for the better, but that involves the support of other people – which I don’t have. Before I tried to kill myself I struggled with boredom after returning from work. Working fly in fly out makes it difficult to maintain friendships, or so I am told, I’ve never had one to maintain. It’s impossible to generate a social network working FIFO, and coming home to nothingness each break is gut wrenching.
Taking this time off work was supposed to change that, but it hasn’t. If anything it’s become harder because I don’t have FIFO to blame for my lack of social life. Before tonight the boredom had begun spinning out of control and the suicidal thoughts were creeping back in. Let’s see how long I can keep this mood going for – I’ll need to start off by doing a little repair work to fix up the mess I caused last week.
I still don’t know what to do about work. I need to finish off the job I left behind, even if it’s only a few weeks. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I ran away from the place that has kept me alive these past two years. However I know returning to FIFO will hurt, and I doubt I would be at the top of my game anyway.
The real question is what happens after I’ve tied up my loose ends. Do I wangle myself a transfer to head office where I can work a 9 to 5 job with the seagulls, or do I take some more time off and see if I can’t build a life for myself? I don’t need the money from working, nor am I highly career orientated; work is just a distraction from the boredom of having nobody to hang out with.
In that respect taking more time off is a negative thing, but I need to start my life at some stage. Do I try to do it gradually while working in the city? I find it difficult to believe that devoting all my time to recovery will help. I guess some distractions are good so long as they don’t cripple you.
I’m tempted to sit quietly at home until work calls me and tells me they aren’t going to pay me anymore – then they will expect me to make a decision. That really seems like the childish option at this stage. I need to step up and tell them what I want. This problem doesn’t just involve me and further delays to the decision puts more and more stress on my work colleagues.
For now I’ll see how long I can string this good mood out for and try to gain as much ground as I can. If move forward enough to return to work then I will do so. Otherwise I’ll wait for the next mood cycle and see how I feel then.
It’s probably not a good idea to presume your good mood is a temporary state of mind is it? Hmmm.