I know it has almost been a year since I blogged last, but I\'m still here, still around and in true Haley fashion I have a problem.

I entered 2010 with a wish come true, I have a man!!  I finally, after 5 years have a boyfriend.  I can\'t express what that does to me alone.  The touch of a male and the thought of someone wanting me.

Still living at home at 25, guys have been difficult and added to many reasons why I haven\'t dated in 5 years.  My OCD being out of control was another and depression another.  Having these things under control I thought it was time to try.  Both of my parents have deteriorated with their disabilities and although they tell me to go out and have my own life, whatever happens is balmed on me.  Like if I don\'t communicate with them while being out or come home later than I expected.  At 25 I feel, now having a bf I feel 2010 will become 2007 again with my bad thoughts and sadness and just wanting to die when things (pressure, stress) get too much.  I\'ve worked hard these last few years.  I don\'t want to go back there.  That was too scarey. 

So!  This guy!!  He\'s off the net and we\'ve spoken A LOT!!  On the way to a short holiday he stopped off at my works to meet me and that will be something I will never forget.  He hung over the gate and said "hi, Trouble".  We hugged and on his holiday, of which I joined, we became a couple!!  Long story short, something medical happened on the trip which freaked me out because I\'ve never been close to someone that that has happened to, and he sort of slipped away into his own space.  I respect that people need their own space and that we were only together for like a day, but I\'m having trouble.  Now having been to couselling and been away from it for about 2 years, I have reflected on what I learnt there and have become a more open "talk about it" person.  This relationship, even though early days, is becoming a very hard challenge for me.  Usually I\'m up for a good challenge.  Usually in other relationships I try running, playing mind games, to see if they want me, but that was before counselling.  Now I just want to be loved period! 

About a week ago I caved.  I made an appointment with my counsellor.  He was slightly shocked to hear from me, because I didn\'t leave things very well there.  I feel like I\'ve slightly failed.  I\'ve come from a very bad place with my depression and OCD….am I trying to run from my man because I\'m ashamed? or do I not believe I am worthy?  Do I feel I haven\'t worked hard enough or think I need to work too hard?  Are we just too different?????? 

I haven\'t been on here in a long time and I feel bad because I haven\'t.  I have made some AWESOME friends on here and when I was all alone and dealing with some horrible s***t, you were there and lead me to the right place.  I feel alone now, but I\'m not.  I\'m feeling very torn because my family don\'t like my man over how he treated me on our holiday.  I respect that he needed time.  My family, as other blogs have suggested, are not into mental health and they don\'t believe people need "time", but I\'ve learnt through "time" and "couselling", both of which they don\'t believe in, to laugh them off.  I need to remember to do that!!  I\'m a very trusting person…too trusting.  After all this time alone….is that why I\'m having trouble?  I just tried to brake it off and I\'ve upset us both.  Do I not want to let go because he is the first guy in years or because I like him??  I\'m worried I don\'t have that warm fuzzy feeling for him!

OCD Friends, you have been good to me.  I\'m like married to you all….through thick and thin, sickness and in health…  What am I doing?  Be honest, brutal, give it to me straight.  WHAT AM I DOING???????

 

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