Let me first start of by saying that I do take time for self care. I watch movies, read books, try to have a nightly ritual so I go to sleep easier, and if I need a break, I try to take it. Sometimes, though, it just doesn’t work.
This past summer, I have been taking an online science course (I hate science), and have also gotten a job (my first actual job!!). Most of the summer has been going great, but after a trip to see my grandmother, everything started to go downhill for the worst. I started having my bad days again. I would sleep too much, my mood would change in an instant, and I wouldn’t sleep at night or turn in any of my schoolwork.
But then, they got really bad: I started feeling suicidal, and I didn’t go into work. I didn’t call out, and didn’t tell anybody. I got message after message asking where I was, and I never replied back. I would just sleep all day. I wouldn’t eat, and I would NEVER leave my bed.I missed two days of work like this. The second time, the boss called me in to tell me that he would fire me if it happened again. That night, when it was a really bad day, I decided that I needed more help than a once a month therapy appointment, and a psych nurse who would meet with me every month and a half, and change my medicine again because it didn’t work. I made a decision: I am starting an outpatient mental health partial hospitalization program. I actually start it today. I decided that I would (will) go to it, and do my best so that I hopefully won’t miss classes the way I did work, or that I wouldn’t go weeks without knowing that I need help. I wouldn’t fail my classes due to absences for mental health anymore. I know I need this, and I am absolutely proud that I am taking the step to do something about it.
But I am also terrified. What if it doesn’t help? What if it makes my anxiety/depression/OCD worse? What if I made the wrong choice? At 2:00 in the morning, these are my thoughts as I write this.
I also know that I have to trust the doctor, and the social workers. More importantly, I have to trust myself to have made the right decision.
So if there is something that is scaring you, whether it might be getting a new counselor, or trying therapy or a new medicine for the first time, if you believe that it will help you, and you have thought about it, looked through it, and really decided on it, try. And remember that you did something for yourself: to make you better, even just a little bit, even if it seems scary. Because I hope you will be where I am: worried, but proud, because I know that at this time this afternoon when I am back home, and have had a chance to reflect on the day, I will be immensely proud of myself because I took a step that I thought would help. Even if it isn’t all I’m hoping it will be, I would have TRIED, and that’s the important thing.