She is my tourture, my muse, my obsession. The beautiful being I cannot have as my own, my punishment for my various sins. She is the reason I sought out help, she is my reason for returning to this bland and grey figure of my former. It is with great solitude I now find myself, a terrible cloud over my head filling my thoughts with depressions and fogged judgments.

Her name is Savanna, we met a couple months ago when she came to see her cousin swim at my college. Her cousin, Sam is my best friend back home and I wound up meeting her through him that weekend. I thought myself blessed by an angel, a girl who brought back the real me. The me before college, the happier me. Once we had met, my life made a u-turn for what I thought was better… sadly this is not my case.

Savanna's pressence in my life is an act of the other worldly, I have no doubt. Yet this angel tourtures my soul, she is never available to be with and I understand that. Well my brain does, my "heart" keeps me going after her, it is slowly destroying me inside. My depression goes away when we are together, but then when she reschedules on me, my self esteem plumits and my depression gains on my person exponentially. I have never felt this way about a girl before, she is just the one who brings light to my sun.

The pain of not having her in my day is unbearable, I have to turn to music, white noise and drugs and alcohol to get her off my mind just long enough to get some sleep. I have never been one to smoke ciggerettes yet I find myself doing 3 or 4 a day now. I have no one to talk about this with because of my friends here. It seems like the only one who could understand my feelings is the angel herself. I look towards my instincts but I keep being crushed by my own insecurities.

Who knows, maybe this is the Karma I deserve for past things I've done in life. If this is my punishment, I would gladly take a slaughter of my own body before this type of insanity. My emotions are getting the worst of me to come out and are slowly eating away aat my soul… hopefully tomorrow wont be as bad.