because of my parents. i go out to a music show at a bar for the first time in six months, and i had to call my mother and ask her to leave the door unlocked, and it's this defeated, worn out voice at the other end. im supposed to be ashamed for doing this. im ashamed of being around anyone i like, getting to know anyone, being open with anyone. drinking anything alchoholic under any circumstances. having a personality.
something has been making me think about my moral foundations. meeting someone in real life who does cam porn for people. when someone talks about their deviant sexual lifestyle it makes me sick to my stomache and any girls around immediately perk up their ears, and that makes me more sick and feel isolated.
my reaction to that is sickness twords the person, "eew". but why do i think that? why is this disgusting to me? i cant lock down any real REASONS. I havent experienced it obviously, so i cant say what it would do to me to make a judgement. but could it just be my upbringing and my generation that makes me feel this? or just me, my total psycosis and fear of sex? or is actually something i should feel disgust about? is it really harmless and natural, not hurting anybody? or is it a straight, appropriate human reaction? is it displaying negative mental traits that im too distracted by the pornography to notice?
i dont mean to sound like a news story, i just can't pin down any reasons why this is "messed up" and this makes me think i might be conditioned as a male to think this way. what is normal or messed up except for what my body tells me. everyone justifies their actions in their own mind. i don't know. maybe all of us doing porn on the side is a-ok, and human, and natural and i'm just one in a million of conditioned-from-religious-roots generation. i guess i have to find other people who think the way i do to be comfortable, how sad is that.
maybe its just a big group of people i'm not compatible with, personality wise. and they have to stay on their side of the line away from me.
one thing i think i know is that people who grow up with internet have porn ingrained into them. girls are the focus of sex. mentally ill girls are impulsive. when your depressed sex is a relief.
THINGS I THINK I KNOW?