“Are you okay? you were crying on call; do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“I don’t know how I feel”, I know it doesn’t help but it’s really the closest most honest way to describe how I feel. I don’t know, I just don’t know. I don’t know why I’m crying, I don’t know why there’s a lump in my throat, I don’t know why I can’t sleep, I don’t know why I can’t express my preferences, I don’t know why I feel like everything I do is wrong, I don’t know why I’m not able to tell you something so simple, I don’t know why I feel unworthy, I don’t know why I feel so burnt out, I don’t know why I don’t allow myself to feel my feeling, I don’t know why I’m so closed off, I don’t know why I ask google ‘why don’t I know how I feel?’, I don’t know why I feel so low, I don’t know why I’m so sad, I don’t know why I feel like you don’t care, I don’t know why I wouldn’t talk to you, I don’t know why I care about your opinion, I don’t know why I keep track of who texts more, I don’t know why I don’t believe you when you say you care. I don’t know why I feel like a burden all the time. I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll do better.
“I’m fine really, I’ve just been super busy. I really need to catch up on some sleeping”
“We all do, I’m so tired – my neck hurts from sitting on my desk all day! I saw you going to the infirmary today, what happened?
Get this, you’re sitting someplace slightly chilly. It’s cold enough to make your body shiver, but not enough to make your teeth chatter; your legs are doing that twitching thing so is your stomach, and now you need to pee. You can’t breathe too heavy, otherwise you’ll piss, so now you take restricted breaths, you use half your lung’s capacity and you try to adapt but it’s all so unsettling. You’re stiff because you’re scared that one wrong move could make everything colder, now you’re on the edge and you’re being fidgety because your mind is trying to figure out whether you should shiver or stay still. Obviously, the cold doesn’t stop for you, you can feel it on the inside, it. Now you’re getting tired, your jaw is clenched and all your energy is gone. You want to go inside – you want to escape. The homeostasis was impressive, but your body has fought too long.
Where I sit it’s actually hot as day, there’s no inside, there’s no escape and there’s nowhere to piss. My lungs are heavy, my stomach is twisted, my body twitches, my back hurts. I’m tired, very tired – actually I’m exhausted. I’m burnt out.
This is my anxiety, it runs in the background of my mind and body. It drains me out, even when I do nothing. Sometimes it overtakes my senses, and consumes me entirely. It makes my attention span weak and makes me lose interest in everything I enjoyed doing. It makes me smile only forced smiles. It makes me overanalyze. It makes sure to convince me that no one really cares and I’m all alone in the end. It makes sure I’m never able to let my guard down, never be vulnerable. It makes sure to remind me I’ll get hurt.
“ah nothing, just a slight headache”